Seduction in the Self-Help Section

I stopped by the book store on my way to work today, looking for inspiration in the music and self-help & spirituality sections of the store. I’m always searching for something— usually some secret that will break open the skies above allowing me to glimpse heaven and the path which leads there. I didn’t find heaven or the path, but did discover some new music. Unfortunately, none of the self-help titles appealed to me; I think I’ve read them all, or some version thereof. So, with a bit of disappointment, I made my way toward the cashier to pay for my new CD when I found myself in the erotica section and picked up Seductions, by Lonnie Barbach. Both the book’s title and its beautiful cover grabbed my attention, and the fact that the author had the letters phd after her name made a book from the erotica section more appealing. Letters after one’s name is not something to which I usually pay attention, but somehow, I guess I needed some perceived legitimacy for my porn purchase. One of these days (soon, I think) I won’t need this anymore.

“Seduction is a gateway to passion…” says the book’s author. She also describes erotic moments as invitations “…to be more vulnerable and hence more intimate.” I realized as I read this that this was exactly the self-help book I was looking for. In truth, the secret that might reveal heaven to me is encoded in passion, vulnerability, and intimacy. This, I know. If I were to read through my writing from the past year, I’m certain I would find these themes peppered throughout my blog. When I’m radically honest with myself I know that being comfortable in my vulnerability is the cure to all that ails me at this time in my life.

Vulnerability. What does this mean? And what does it look like? Merriam-Webster defines it as: (1) Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded and (2) Open to attack or damage (www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vulnerability; 10/28/08). Now why would anyone wish for this? The answer to this question is easier to understand if we think about the issue in reverse: What is it that we do to protect ourselves from being wounded? To close ourselves off from attack or damage? Vulnerability, we begin to understand, is our natural state. A child is born absolutely open to wounding and damage; she is dependent on her caregivers for protection. Wanting and needing such protection is also our natural state. And herein lies the dilemma: At any given moment there may be competing internal interests to be open and closed at the same time. Open to connection & intimacy and closed to the wounding which inevitably comes with this. Wounding hurts; it’s natural to want to protect oneself in the face of this. Vulnerability looks something like moving in the direction of connection, intimacy, and anything else we desire in the face of potential disappointment and hurt.

Astrology has helped me to understand how this has manifested in my own life. I was born with A LOT of Pisces energy, which translates into much sensitivity, compassion, and openness— indeed, almost a lack of boundary between my self and the world. I think this put me at risk for more intense wounding; and this, combined with parenting that couldn’t support my sensitivity, led to my attempts to become invulnerable, or so I believed. In my adult life I literally developed hard skin (scleroderma). There is not a more clearly literal translation of this dynamic than one’s skin acting as a shield for the potential wounding from the world. It’s sad to me to think that I was that scared— that I, or my body, believed that I needed such dramatic protection from the world I live in. I share this example because it seems to me to illustrate what many people struggle with, each in their unique ways. Perhaps the balance of vulnerability and protection is different for each person. I am learning that pretty extreme vulnerability is what I need to move toward if I wish to discover some semblance of heaven here on earth. I’m learning how to protect myself when I, in fact, need to, and how to let go and risk for the sake of passion and intimacy in all other instances. And this brings me back to my self help book. What comes to mind when you combine passion, intimacy, and vulnerability? What better way to practice these states than through Seduction—“the gateway to passion”—and all that that entails?