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We met on February 14th, 1986. I was 15. We've been together ever since. I come from a messed up family and he was a reprieve from this. He would drive me to work and I’d hang out at his house, and he was there for me in these day-to-day ways. When we spent time together, it would take me away from having to know how much my family members were suffering and how my needs couldn’t get met in that atmosphere. Upon graduating highschool, we maintained a long-distance relationship, each with our own lives outside of the relationship, but staying closely connected. I "cheated" a bit, though in my mind we had agreed to allow each other freedom while away at our respective colleges. We got married almost ten years after meeting one another; we had always been together and it was just the next thing to do, although I had to push for it. "Shit or get off the pot" was my attitude. If we weren't going to be together "forever," then I wanted to get on with my life. That was when I beleived in forever. Not forever, but for a long time, life sort of went along like this –just being together in a stable way. No great passion and no great conflicts; just walking along side one another with various degress of closeness for about another ten years, all along being perceived as the perfect couple by many. Then, something happened, and I haven’t been the same since. It was as though something in me that had been turned off my entire life lit up, and life now pales in comparison to that, including life with my husband. The light is off again and I don't know how to turn it back on....
The most difficult aspect of this saga for me now is that I used to believe that there was something to be learned and integrated from this. I want to believe this, but I haven’t been able to get there— despite a lot of trying. I have wanted this experience to make me a better person. To help me to love better, to accept me.
This is what I plan to tell the new therapist that I'm going to meet with my husband. It is my last ditch effort at bringing this painful experience to a resolution.
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2 comments:
I noticed that Feb 14th is Valentine's Day. A seemingly auspicious day to met a romantic companion.
My own experience with Valentine's Day is light of auspiciousness and heavy on annoyance. I've never really cared for that holiday. It seems to call for the flagrant demonstration of emotion - whether you feel like it or not. Some would say any demonstration of emotion strikes me as flagrant. Couples therapy did not change that for me, but it did make me more aware of myself. Couples therapy for me was scary and sometimes difficult. But I'm glad I did it, not knowing exactly where it would end up, and hope it help you also.
Thank you for that. Couples therapy is often way more frightening than individual because you do not have complete control over what is revealed to the therapist about you or your relationship. Your partner is in the room, and will reveal things from his/her perspective, often before you are ready to see this yourself or have someone else see it. I give a lot of credit to those couples who can engage and use therapy well and together. See this posting for my thoughts about V's Day....
http://sarah-truthrevealed.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html
Posted under February 08. :)
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