The Pain of Growth

I'm not sure if I've written about this before-- it's a topic that fascinates me, and so I tend to keep coming back to it. The idea comes out of astrology and it's this: We are born into this world with a certain set of skills, abilities, or a way of being-in-the-world, really, that we just know how to do. It's that "something" in our lives that just comes easy and naturally. The thing we barely notice because it is so much a part of who we are that we take it for granted. It's our second nature, as they say; though really it’s our first nature—our default mode. The character of this something is described by the placement of the South Node in a person's natal chart.

Directly opposite the South Node of the moon sits its North Node, which is symbolic of our path of growth. This “something” shows what it is that we are here on this earth to learn to do. Taken together, what these two points in the sky tell us is that what we are good at is not necessarily what is good for us, at least as far as evolutionary growth is concerned. Our path of growth involves a fundamental, internal shift, represented by these two polarities.

We need to understand this as a shift in our orientation to life. In other words, it is less about content than it is about process. I can take care of my health in a Virgo-inspired way, using discrimination, analysis, structure and attention to detail (my South Node way) or, I can do the same in a Piscean way, attending to my intuition, spiritual truths, and a go-with-the-flow sort of mentality (my North Node). The shift might manifest as a the difference between planning what I will eat for the day in advance, ensuring that I get the proper nutrition, versus asking myself in the moment, what does my body need now? The intuitive way is what my particular north node is calling for. For someone else, the task might be to move from that spontaneous and intuitive way of relating to the world to a more structured and discriminating way. Or one of many other different possibilities depending upon the placement of the nodes in your natal chart.

What fascinates me about this idea is (1) it resonates deeply with me when I consider my own life and (2) there is a way in which it is counterintuitive, at least in our culture. We are taught to value, to highly praise those things we excel at. Yet, those very things—or that way of being-in-the-world—can land us in a place of meaninglessness. A colleague of mine whom I deeply admire and respect asked me to consider taking on the position of president of the board of directors of a non-profit she started, which I know is near and dear to her heart. I’m good at this sort of thing. It brings me a certain kind of recognition, good networking, valuable experience. Another, larger board also asked me to consider a run for prez, which could bring me more status, stature, and authority. The problem is, none of it is near and dear to my heart. There is no meaning to it, other than I know I could do a good job of organizing and leading and making sure the details are tended to. To admit this to myself, though, is risky. I risk losing what I know I can do well to discover meaning in something that I won’t do so well. We’re usually not so good at our North Node way of being in the world because it is new to us. Stated another way, the orientation to which we are called to take on is usually one we fumble with, at least a bit. We make mistakes. Face embarrassment, even shame. I’ve had these experiences too often since deciding to try to follow my path of growth, and it has not been fun. As I struggle to be more spontaneous (my Piscean North Node), I mess up. I say the wrong thing, or show too much vulnerability, or misperceive what a situation might call for, all in an effort to stretch myself so that I might eventually reconnect with something meaningful. And I have a ton of other planets in Pisces helping me along the way… and it’s still totally hard. And I don’t even know if it will happen—finding the meaning, that is. It’s a big risk. I often wonder if I should have remained safe, never venturing out and leaving behind how I know to do things well in order to seek some deeper sense of meaning and purpose. May be I should take on those board positions. It’s tempting, but for me there is no turning back. I’m too stubborn. I love a challenge. And I’m a gambler at heart.