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Two weekends ago, I laid in bed feeling as though I were dying. The experience was similar to depression, but not quite the same. I was in a place of resignation—all hopes dashed. I managed to get out of bed to sip a cup of tea in the morning, and then tried to lose myself to sleep once more. I forced myself out of bed again at about 3 each day to take a shower so that at least I’d be clean as I died. And when the boredom got to be too much, I ventured out, mid-evening, to watch several back-to-back reruns of Sex and the City before trying once again to sleep through the night; only to wake up and live this dying routine another day.
My dying was triggered by a visit to the couple’s therapist—mine and my husband’s fifth or so visit with this particular guy. He suggested we meet with a second therapist who could then consult to us and to him, because he was “stuck.” Now, I understand that consultations can be quite helpful to long-term therapies and that this can work well in a variety of ways. However, in five weeks this guy hadn’t shown us that he knew how to be helpful at all, and he was suggesting that we pay to enlist help?! Why wouldn’t we just see this other guy, rather than pay him to help someone else help us? Why would we wish to continue trying when he joked that “maybe it’s my fantasy that someone else can help you?” Anyway, at the time I wasn’t angry. Just despondent.
This was my hope: I thought that if I fought, and that if we did the work, someone could give us hope. Hope that it would be better than it is now. Hope that I might discover the passion I’m looking for in the relationship I already have. Hope that I would discover the secret to living a life well-lived.
And this was my belief: If I fight hard enough I can have anything I want. If I were determined enough, passionate enough, and willing to work on myself honestly and psychologically, I would always find what I was looking for. If a person goes to years of therapy, works everyday to be self-aware, and does her best to be kind and real, then she will eventually create a good life.
The therapist told me that I was looking for a shiny new car and the only thing he could do was sell me an old one. In other words, I would have to settle for something other than what I really want; and because I was having a hard time dealing with this, he was stuck and couldn’t be helpful. There was no way to turn led to gold, to use a metaphor higher in resonance for me; even though I always believed I could do so. He was telling me that those hopes and beliefs mentioned above were false. Life is about settling.
This is when the hopeless and long days in bed with only a slight reprieve from Sex and the City—which, if you’ve seen episodes or the movie, you know just worked to reinforce my fantasy life rather than cure it with the dose of reality (or pessimism, depending upon how you look at it) my therapist was suggesting—began. I managed to pull myself out of it, with my fighting spirit I might add, and turn that despondency into anger. Anger is always helpful to me. Then I realized that the therapist was correct in some ways, even if not very skilled at delivering his observations. Fighting what is does not work. Accepting right where we are is always the first and necessary step to healing. I wish he could have stayed with us to create space to do this accepting, but then again maybe he helped me in a less costly way. His admitted stuckness brought me face to face with the tons of resistance I’ve been carrying around. He helped me to see this more clearly, and quickly. For that I am grateful.
I happen to be working with a Shaman who commented that this—meaning my life right now—is my dying. I am dying to the ego that wishes things to be a particular way and that is addicted to the fight that I believe will achieve such things. Dying in this way is difficult. Mostly, I feel disappointed… Disappointed that what I thought life could be is not. Disappointed as I look around and realize that this really is all there is. Some— my Shaman included—hold out the hope through their own experiences that although this is all there is, when we really accept that—fully surrender to it—we find a beauty in it that is better than anything we could have imagined. Full surrender can bring contentment. Contentment sounds a lot less appealing that the passionate life I was hoping for, but this feeling actually helps me because it allows me to move further into the surrender—which is always the opposite direction from the kind of hope I’ve described.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Feelings I Cannot Understand...
I could spend all day dreaming about his biceps, the way he seems so grounded and comfortable in the solitude of his own skin, how he might taste, and what it is that he really craves.
What would he confess if it felt safe enough? And what might he desire if freedom to do so were granted from within? What is he looking for, really, when he surveys the bar in search of a woman to go home with?
I can't stop wondering about his psychic aches and pains, and how well he knows his own pain...? I wish to feel what he does, to understand at that depth, and offer that up to him, and for him, so that he might receive something, though I know not what.
I dream about his biceps and tears fall and I believe that I would die if it would save him.
What would he confess if it felt safe enough? And what might he desire if freedom to do so were granted from within? What is he looking for, really, when he surveys the bar in search of a woman to go home with?
I can't stop wondering about his psychic aches and pains, and how well he knows his own pain...? I wish to feel what he does, to understand at that depth, and offer that up to him, and for him, so that he might receive something, though I know not what.
I dream about his biceps and tears fall and I believe that I would die if it would save him.
Gifts
Since I love giving gifts so much, I thought I'd capture them here. Here are my favorites for this year:
US Open (golf) tickets for my brother
A tarot card reading for my mom
Make your own book for one of my nieces-- you actually send the book in and they send it back "published," bound-and-all
A beautiful. very tasteful photo of a nude women (close up of her torso) in an equally beautiful custom frame for my husband
Fresh flowers for many of my favorite people in this world
And I'm contemplating inking my husband's name onto my upper, inner thigh-- which is not something I want, but the very idea that it would be a sacrafice is what is enticing about it-- I would truly be doing it for his pleasure and that's the kind of gift I love giving.
What was your favorite gift-- to give or receive this year?
US Open (golf) tickets for my brother
A tarot card reading for my mom
Make your own book for one of my nieces-- you actually send the book in and they send it back "published," bound-and-all
A beautiful. very tasteful photo of a nude women (close up of her torso) in an equally beautiful custom frame for my husband
Fresh flowers for many of my favorite people in this world
And I'm contemplating inking my husband's name onto my upper, inner thigh-- which is not something I want, but the very idea that it would be a sacrafice is what is enticing about it-- I would truly be doing it for his pleasure and that's the kind of gift I love giving.
What was your favorite gift-- to give or receive this year?
Thank God for Snow!
Thank God for snow! I'm hpoing to be snowed-in here in the northeast tomorrow, which will finally give me not only the time to get back to my writing, but the space to reflect. My desire to write comes from either: (1) Deep and passionate longing or(2) A poetic way of experiencing the world-- a sort of sensibility that I can access only when I stop long enough to notice what's around me. I'm not sure what has me so busy these days but that space has been missing. And I'm feeling it; it's lack, that is. I'm tired, run-down, cranky, and haven't been feeling much of anything. I need my space back...
I need to write about how I felt as though I were dying last weekend. My body was shut down, my psyche was soooo shut down. And I did everything I could, from that shut down state, to bring the sort of awareness that might turn this crazy experience into an ego death--- intentionally letting those parts of me I no longer need fall away.
I need to write about all the pain in the world that I see close up and whether we can find meaning in that, or not.
I need to write about how my couple's therapist told my husband and me (though I think it was really me) how he couldn't help us... he didn't know what to do or where to lead us. He didn't know how to work with my resentment. What kind of psychotherapist-- and one who works with couples-- doesn't know how to work with f--king resentment?!
I need to write about how I spend too much money at Christmas time because of how much I love buying great gifts.
In sum, I need to process the tension, stress, pain, disappointment, grief, and even the numbness I've been feeling and I do this best by writing about it.
I hope to be back to this regularly, and soon. Tomorrow, I'll start with a visit to our neighborhood Shaman, who has been helping me in ways similar to how writing does... which is yet another topic for future posts.
I need to write about how I felt as though I were dying last weekend. My body was shut down, my psyche was soooo shut down. And I did everything I could, from that shut down state, to bring the sort of awareness that might turn this crazy experience into an ego death--- intentionally letting those parts of me I no longer need fall away.
I need to write about all the pain in the world that I see close up and whether we can find meaning in that, or not.
I need to write about how my couple's therapist told my husband and me (though I think it was really me) how he couldn't help us... he didn't know what to do or where to lead us. He didn't know how to work with my resentment. What kind of psychotherapist-- and one who works with couples-- doesn't know how to work with f--king resentment?!
I need to write about how I spend too much money at Christmas time because of how much I love buying great gifts.
In sum, I need to process the tension, stress, pain, disappointment, grief, and even the numbness I've been feeling and I do this best by writing about it.
I hope to be back to this regularly, and soon. Tomorrow, I'll start with a visit to our neighborhood Shaman, who has been helping me in ways similar to how writing does... which is yet another topic for future posts.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Grounded Exuberance
The big astrological news this month is Pluto’s ingress into Capricorn, marking a new generation—a new time in history—which will take us through 2024.
Outer planets such as Pluto move very slowly, in comparison to the sun, for example. Whereas the sun changes signs every month, Pluto changes every 12-20+ years. I was born just as Pluto was getting ready to exit Virgo, where it found its home from 1956- 1971. The Pluto in Virgo generation is a health conscious one. It is a generation that began to cultivate a respectful relationship with the environment. We take our work seriously, and can be prone to anxiety about the changes around us and what such changes mean for our sense of self and independence—thanks in part to Pluto’s proximity to Uranus during these years. Pluto is currently, and (for the most part) has been, in Sagittarius since 1995. We can reflect on the nature of the collective ethos beginning in about 1995 in order to capture an experiential sense of Pluto in Sag. Among other things, it is a sense of expansiveness, shooting for the heavens, optimism, and wishing to live “big.” Pluto in Sag marks a generation of visionaries, those that reflect on the big picture, and are concerned with cultivating a philosophy of life and ongoing learning, expanding their horizons in addition to super-sizing their homes and food products. The shadow side of such expansiveness has been made known to us as banks, homeowners, and businesses all face the crash of structures that were built upon unsupported grandiosity.
Speaking of Sag more generally, it is represented by an archer shooting toward the sky and is ruled by the planet Jupiter, the largest planet in the Earth’s solar system. It is the sign of vision, physical and psychological/ imaginary travel, athleticism, reaching beyond where we find ourselves in the moment. The Olympics are a good example of a Sag-infused event. Likewise, Sagittarian-influenced individuals can be exuberant in their ability to dream. John F. Kennedy, Jr.; Tina Turner; Bette Midler; and Winston Churchill are among some well-known Sun-sign Sagittarians. These are big personalities with a meaning or purpose behind their greatness. It is as though the desire for expanded horizons and philosophical thinking tempers the potential for narcissism.
So, as the Sun makes its way across Sag this month, Pluto makes its way out—and into Capricorn. Adjacent signs tend to compensate for one another. Capricorn, ruled by Saturn, tends to correct for Sagittarius’ exuberance. And just as Saturn and Jupiter represent somewhat opposite energies, so too do the signs they rule. Whereas Sagittarius (and Jupiter) are about expansion, Capricorn (and Saturn) have something to do with containment. Capricorn is about structure; it’s an energy that cares about foundations—solid foundations that can ground our optimism & dreams and support our goals. For a culture that was too caught up in a grandiose energy without attending to its shadow side, Pluto’s trip into Capricorn will likely be experienced as a rude awakening. Again, most of us have already felt this shock as we’ve watched our retirement accounts, homes, and jobs slip away from us. The universe has an interesting way of assisting us in our evolution, in our learning about how to balance and respect various energies and take accountability for all of our choices.
Over time, I’ve learned something about balancing these energies. The rulers of Sag and Cap sit exactly opposite from one another in significant positions within my natal chart. With Jupiter and Saturn exactly opposite one another, I and others born in and around 1970, are likely to experience the profound tension between expansion and contraction, letting go and holding on, philosophizing and practicality; dreaming and realism. What I’m learning is that the Saturn side of the equation—the structure, containment, crucible, reality-checks, and accountability—makes possible the dreams and learning (Jupiter). I think this lesson is one we will all be challenged to learn, collectively, through 2024 as Pluto traverses Capricorn. And the sooner we learn it, the sooner we will be able to experience the benefit of structures and policies that have legs to stand on; grounded exuberance; and dreams becoming reality.
Outer planets such as Pluto move very slowly, in comparison to the sun, for example. Whereas the sun changes signs every month, Pluto changes every 12-20+ years. I was born just as Pluto was getting ready to exit Virgo, where it found its home from 1956- 1971. The Pluto in Virgo generation is a health conscious one. It is a generation that began to cultivate a respectful relationship with the environment. We take our work seriously, and can be prone to anxiety about the changes around us and what such changes mean for our sense of self and independence—thanks in part to Pluto’s proximity to Uranus during these years. Pluto is currently, and (for the most part) has been, in Sagittarius since 1995. We can reflect on the nature of the collective ethos beginning in about 1995 in order to capture an experiential sense of Pluto in Sag. Among other things, it is a sense of expansiveness, shooting for the heavens, optimism, and wishing to live “big.” Pluto in Sag marks a generation of visionaries, those that reflect on the big picture, and are concerned with cultivating a philosophy of life and ongoing learning, expanding their horizons in addition to super-sizing their homes and food products. The shadow side of such expansiveness has been made known to us as banks, homeowners, and businesses all face the crash of structures that were built upon unsupported grandiosity.
Speaking of Sag more generally, it is represented by an archer shooting toward the sky and is ruled by the planet Jupiter, the largest planet in the Earth’s solar system. It is the sign of vision, physical and psychological/ imaginary travel, athleticism, reaching beyond where we find ourselves in the moment. The Olympics are a good example of a Sag-infused event. Likewise, Sagittarian-influenced individuals can be exuberant in their ability to dream. John F. Kennedy, Jr.; Tina Turner; Bette Midler; and Winston Churchill are among some well-known Sun-sign Sagittarians. These are big personalities with a meaning or purpose behind their greatness. It is as though the desire for expanded horizons and philosophical thinking tempers the potential for narcissism.
So, as the Sun makes its way across Sag this month, Pluto makes its way out—and into Capricorn. Adjacent signs tend to compensate for one another. Capricorn, ruled by Saturn, tends to correct for Sagittarius’ exuberance. And just as Saturn and Jupiter represent somewhat opposite energies, so too do the signs they rule. Whereas Sagittarius (and Jupiter) are about expansion, Capricorn (and Saturn) have something to do with containment. Capricorn is about structure; it’s an energy that cares about foundations—solid foundations that can ground our optimism & dreams and support our goals. For a culture that was too caught up in a grandiose energy without attending to its shadow side, Pluto’s trip into Capricorn will likely be experienced as a rude awakening. Again, most of us have already felt this shock as we’ve watched our retirement accounts, homes, and jobs slip away from us. The universe has an interesting way of assisting us in our evolution, in our learning about how to balance and respect various energies and take accountability for all of our choices.
Over time, I’ve learned something about balancing these energies. The rulers of Sag and Cap sit exactly opposite from one another in significant positions within my natal chart. With Jupiter and Saturn exactly opposite one another, I and others born in and around 1970, are likely to experience the profound tension between expansion and contraction, letting go and holding on, philosophizing and practicality; dreaming and realism. What I’m learning is that the Saturn side of the equation—the structure, containment, crucible, reality-checks, and accountability—makes possible the dreams and learning (Jupiter). I think this lesson is one we will all be challenged to learn, collectively, through 2024 as Pluto traverses Capricorn. And the sooner we learn it, the sooner we will be able to experience the benefit of structures and policies that have legs to stand on; grounded exuberance; and dreams becoming reality.
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