WHO ARE YOU?

“We are constantly invited to be who we are." --Henry David Thoreau

With a total eclipse of the Leo Sun on the 1st, and a partial lunar eclipse involving the Leo/ Aquarius axis on the 16th, this is a significant month astrologically. To use this energy well, we need to understand something about the fire of Leo and something about the event of an eclipse.

A solar eclipse happens about twice a year and is a special case of a new moon. During a new moon, the Sun and Moon are conjunct; i.e., close together (and therefore almost always in the same sign). In general, new moons are times of change. They reflect a time that is ripe for planting new seeds, setting new patterns, and bringing something new into one’s life. Of course, we need to let go of the old in order to do so, and so new moons also challenge us to let go—though it helps if we can do this before they arrive. As for eclipses, in general, they are big events. They have impact. They can shake things up. And, as harbingers of such a shake-up, they are sometimes thought to be ominous. During the eclipse that takes place on August 1st, the Moon will completely eclipse the Sun for a few moments, such that the Sun—that central planetary body—will seem to disappear. Think for a minute about the disappearance of the Sun and you will have some feel for the power of a solar eclipse. We might expect the start of this month to be a time of great change, impactful new beginnings, and the kind of shake-ups that make their way into our biographies.

Add to this the energy of Leo, which is the sign of this particular solar eclipse. Leo is a fire sign: Hot, passionate, and with the potential to be explosive. Leo is also the sign that is ruled by the Sun. (Planetary bodies are assigned rulership of the sign that most captures their energy. The Sun captures and reflects the energy of the Leo, and vice versa; and so we say that the Sun rules Leo.) Using the Sun as a symbol, we can understand how Leo is meant to shine forth from its center, to take center stage. Leos are born leaders who seem to find themselves in the spotlight whether they ask for this or not. The sun-sign Leos I know well are extremely creative, warm-hearted, generous individuals who have had to define their place on the stage of life, much like the Sun which each and every morning continues to rise. This journey toward self-definition is not always easy. We can say that Leo energy is expressed in the statement “I am,” and that all of us have it somewhere in our charts (i.e., lives). If we can relate to this openly and honestly, it will show up as generosity, creativity, or what I refer to as “humble pride.” If we are cut off from this energy or misuse it in some way, we will see egoism, self-destruction, pompousness, or false pride. In my estimation the energy of Leo, as well as the energy of the Sun, is about living authentically.

This affinity between the Sun and Leo makes the August eclipses even more potent. We can expect some life-changing energy that will either force us to ask the question, Who am I?, or allow us to answer the same, depending upon how prepared we are. In any event August will see many of us defining an authentic path for ourselves, learning how to shine forth from our centers, and discovering where we best fit on this stage called life. “We are constantly invited to be who we are.” This month, we are likely to feel this invitation potently. Happy August!

Looking for an Ending

A little over two years ago I started writing more regularly. It was all personal writing, filling pages of journals in both hard copy and electronic versions with details of what I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing. I was trying to capture what was to me clearly a midlife crisis. From the beginning I considered what I was writing to be a memoir, and I’ve had intentions of writing it for publication. But it has no ending, and this has been the huge boulder in my path. How can a person write a book with no ending?

More troubling, of course, is the fact that the actual crisis in my life has no ending. Forget about the book. Doesn’t the midlife crisis end? Isn’t it supposed to land a person in a new life of some sort? All of the stories I have read end with divorce, a new lover, an explosion of one’s career, a child, a different career all together… You know, those life-altering, world-shattering changes that indicate you were meant to go through this? One of the more stark characteristics of my midlife crisis was a deep-seated feeling that I have been living the wrong life. The problem has been that I do not know what the “right” life is. I’m too self-absorbed to want a child; I’m not sure what I would do if I weren’t doing psychotherapy for a living—not because I’m wed to this career but because I just can’t imagine an alternative; and deep from within my gut I know that there is not another romantic relationship out there for me. In addition to being the antithesis of a “dater” and having the usual baggage that we all carry around by the time we’re pushing forty, I have a few suitcases full of a chronic physical illness which are too heavy for a new relationship. So I’ve looked within for the changes. Maybe the life-altering shake-up would happen internally. Two years and lots of therapy later and my exterior life looks the same while my interior life is no more alive. It is beginning to look like change is inevitable though, and the changes I see in the near future will be triggered by events completely outside of my control.

I believe that we find ourselves exactly where we need to be in life. I have faith that I need to be here, experiencing the lack of “rightness” of my life and without a vision for the future, and I can trust that this is part of a grander plan. I also know that there are others who have gone through similar experiences, and this helps. If others out there have a perspective that makes sense of this or can help me begin to envision the ending of my book, I would welcome hearing from you.

In Exchange for Poetry

I “sold” concert tickets on Craigslist recently in exchange for poetry. The ad read something like “… the poem that most touches my soul gets the tickets.” What touches me about poetic writing is that, by definition, it has to come from the heart, or soul, or gut. It emerges from the depths of a person, from the inside out. I crave knowing people on this level. Living in a world of small talk is very challenging for me, and that’s an understatement. Everyday, I’m grateful to the clients with whom I work for supplying me with the sorts of experiences that get underneath the small talk to the heart and soul of the matter, as they say. And today I am full of gratitude to those who shared their poetry with me. If I were wealthier I would have bought tickets for them all.
On of the poets, Pete, wrote about his experience as an ice hockey player: “To me, the rattle of the boards and my stick on the ice is a rhythm to live by. And most of all, I do this because at times when you really need to, it's possible to skate fast enough to leave life itself behind." KCF wrote that “It's easier to grow while you're sailing away/ Than listening without a heart each day.” When a person shares himself from this depthful place, you cannot help but glimpse something of his spirit or soul. In my brief, email interaction with each of these men I experienced a sort of intimacy that I don’t often experience with some of the individuals I see everyday. I appreciate the risk involved with such self-revelation.
The poem that won the contest is printed below, with permission from the author. It’s a love poem that she wrote for the Hulk, and it spoke to me more than the author could have ever dreamed it would when she sent it my way in the hopes of winning Dave Matthews Band tickets. In the poem, Mary Ellen describes the kind of relationship I desperately, helplessly, and sometimes hopelessly long to be part of. There is a tenderness in the poem that could only be described by someone who herself has given or received the same; a longing that could only be named by someone who wishes to love with her whole being; and a beauty that could only be painted by someone in love with the world. Through her words, Mary Ellen allowed me to know something of her spirit. Thanks to Mary Ellen and to all who inspired me with their generous gifts of poetry.
But Why the Purple Pants?

Each Sunday
the Incredible Hulk and I
sit opposite one another,
sip tea
with our pinkies pointing upward.
We chat as
Madame Butterfly sings soprano
from stereo speakers.

We'd first met at Starbucks,
discussed our struggles.
His tendency to scare small children,
mine to sulk
and self-isolate.

Though
intimidating at first,
when he smiled
his green flesh stretched
across his broad jaw,
white teeth appearing
to contrast his skin,
like snow softly collecting in the boughs
of fir trees.

We talk often now,
sometimes late into the night.
That's when we curl
up on his overstuffed couch,
clutching cups of cocoa,
and as tears roll down
his giant green jaw,
he tells me about his difficulty
finding suit jackets
that fit his shoulders
and his years of wandering the world
alone.

"Thank God I purchased real estate,"
he mumbles.

I say
you can save Prince Charming
and Mr. Rapunzel
for blonde un-fractured beauties.
I much prefer the company
of a jacked green giant
with abandonment issues.
--- Mary Ellen Murray

Replacing Guilt and Blame with Awareness

Relationships are a very common topic in the world of psychotherapy. From explorations of conflicts within current relationships to the yearnings and desires for yet-to-be-had relationships; thoughts, feelings, and theories on this topic fly around therapy rooms across the globe. Often, the question of how to create more fulfilling relationships arises. My best answer to this question is to work on one’s own self-awareness. Put the focus on you.

As human beings, we tend to be fond of feeling guilty and placing blame—both of which are strategies for avoiding self-awareness and the responsibility that comes with it. The blame game is the more obvious of the two strategies: If the conflict or lack of fulfillment is someone else’s fault, then I am absolved of all responsibility and need only to shift my external circumstances (which is often easier, albeit less permanent, than shifting from the inside out). Guilt functions similarly. If I feel guilty, then my remorse takes the place of responsibility: It is enough that I feel guilty for being mean to you; I don’t also need to change the motivations that led me there. Guilt often amounts to another form of shirking responsibility.

Working toward self-awareness is much more empowering than guilt or blame, and it does wonders for relationships. Self-awareness refers to a process more than an endpoint, and it is more useful to think of it as a verb than a noun. Self-awareness is the process by which we actively gain ever-increasing knowledge of our feelings, thoughts, desires, motivations, fantasies, and behaviors. It works a bit like a camera lens with an expanding panoramic view. At any one time, some things will be brought into focus more than others. And over time, more of the full view will be revealed, and it will be revealed in sharper focus. “Doing” self-awareness is empowering because the more we understand our experiences, especially our motivations and desires, the more choices we have in any given moment. And choosing to create the life one really wants is the most empowering process there is.

Too often, though, we choose things based on fear, and hide behind guilt and blame. Awareness entails that we come to know what we are afraid of and can then ask ourselves, do I want to make this particular decision based on that? And: Is there another choice? The answer to any particular question is not what matters most. What matters most is that you can answer the question with as much information available to you as is possible. Without an ever-increasing sense of awareness, we make decisions based upon a very narrow view of ourselves and the world. We also tend to choose things based on a sort of ignorance that may be rooted in fear. Consider, for example, the impact of having, or not having, an intimate knowledge of your own desires. If you are not aware, in a focused way, of what you want, then you are likely to say yes—consciously or unconsciously—to a whole bunch of things that you don’t want.

As an example, perhaps you are someone for whom it is important to be accepted by family. As a result of this, you say yes to your sister whenever she asks you to watch her dog overnight, which is frequently. The past few times she has come to pick up her adorable pup, you notice feeling irritable toward her. It may be that your desire to be accepted by your sister prevents you from realizing that you do not like watching her dog so frequently because it interferes with your desire to go the gym straight from work. Becoming aware of this desire, though, (in this case, wanting the freedom to go to the gym from work) will prevent you from becoming resentful, full of blame, or burdened by guilt. Instead, it will give you choices—you will not automatically say yes in the future, but rather will be forced to think about what it is that you really want. And although it may make things awkward between you and your sister in the moment, it will prevent the kind of bitterness or distance that creeps into relationships when conflicts are ignored. Awareness will also force you to take full responsibility for your decision. Once aware of your own conflict, you will not have your sister or her pup to blame. Nor will you be left feeling guilty about being so irritated with them. You will be responsible for choosing yes or no each and every time she asks you for this favor. Awareness, choice, and responsibility go hand-in-hand; and they are liberating, empowering, and challenging.

The heart of the matter is this: The more we relate from an authentic (i.e., aware and responsible) place, the more real our connections will be and the less baggage we will carry—both with ourselves and with others. Our relationships become freer and more alive, and we can begin to create the lives we really want. Connecting with oneself from this place of authenticity requires that we really get to know ourselves, to take responsibility for our choices (and therefore our lives), and to risk sharing this full view with others. Seeing everything that’s there, shadow and all, requires a lot of patience, gentleness, acceptance, and self-love. It is also the only road to relationships—and lives—that are fulfilling and authentically creative.

THE LUNCH-LADY MUSE

I have been talking with my husband, for a while now, about separating. Our paths seem to be taking us in different directions. I crave freedom and change and growth. He is very happy with how things are. I want to take more risks; he prefers security. I want to live life with passion; he enjoys a calmer version of things.

Recently, we had a conversation about change, and the muses that inspire such. He is not a big fan of change, instead opting to maintain the status quo as much as is humanly possible. As a small example, he eats the same thing for lunch every single day, made by the same “lunch-line lady,” who he believes may be his muse. Maria is her name. Over the past few weeks, Maria has gently encouraged him to add red peppers to his usual sandwich. “Would you like red peppers with that?” she lovingly inquires. And, with what I imagine is some trepidation, he agrees. He now eats the same lunch with the addition of red peppers each day, thanks to his muse.

I wonder what Maria must feel as she witnesses him approach in line. My guess is that it is a nurturing feeling—sort of maternal, but more like a wise goddess who can look at a man and know exactly what he needs in order to heal. She saw my husband and knew he needed red peppers. It’s an interesting choice: The addition of color and sweetness to his life. My own choice would have been something like: “Do you want firey, raw sex with that sandwich?” ….or, at least the option of hot peppers. But then again, Maria is probably both more objective and more wise than I am. She seems to know how to work with my husband’s own timetable and realm of experience, whereas I am more likely to impose mine on him. Maria knows that it is important to take small steps, which often have big impact.

After a few weeks of adding red peppers and a conversation about making changes, my husband ordered a different sandwich altogether! And he felt proud of himself for doing so. He also believed that Maria was secretly proud of him, thinking to herself “That’s my boy.” Bolstered by an experience of confidence and a felt sense of support from the lunch-line muse, he may use this experience in a way that leads to even more changes and bigger steps. “What’s next?” he asks. I guess it’s a story to be continued. And whether the changes that come about ever lead to the kind of risk and passion that I crave from a partner seems irrelevant to me now. Rather, what strikes me as significant is that he is on his own path of growth; and like red peppers that inspired it, this is a sweet thing.

MESSAGE FROM A SNAKE

I was greeted by a snake on my way into my office this morning. Although startled at first, I took out my phone to snap a picture. I got close to the snake. Too close, I guess, because the snake scurried away disappearing into a bush. I didn’t get the picture, but the essence of the snake is with me today. I’m looking around my office waiting for it to crawl through a corner somewhere.

The truth is I’m both fascinated and totally scared by snakes. I have a purple one, carved from wood and painted with a pattern that creates its tell-tale leathery skin. On this particular snake it's a pattern within which painted flowers are interspersed. The purple, flowery snake sits on my desk. It is much less scary to me than is the garden snake that is sitting right outside my office as I type. Not surprisingly, it is just this ambivalence that marks my relationship with these creatures, who have always been a rich metaphorical symbol for me. Some of the key words and phrases that come to mind for this symbol are: Transformation, temptation, evil, kudilini, shedding of the skin, the garden of Eden, restriction, and freedom.

After the snake scurried away and with my own skin still crawling from this encounter, I sat down at my desk and clicked-in to my favorite website (Plantetwaves.net) to garner some blogging inspiration for the day. This time, a question greeted me. “What do you do with fear?” Well, at the current moment I am looking around my office waiting for it to creep in through a corner! And just a few minutes ago, I tried to snap a picture of it. I guess I try to get close to my fear; to wait for it and then greet it back when it greets me.

Over time, it has become easier to face my fears. I know that doing so helps me to grow, and personal growth is a bit of a necessity for me. It’s an impulse that comes from deep within and I seem to have no choice in the matter. It’s on par with drinking water and sleeping—I just need to do it. This doesn’t mean that I always do it well, or successfully, or even effectively. Far from it. It’s just that I have to grow; and facing fear is part of this.

The more difficult feeling for me is the anxiety that sometimes comes after making a decision that is NOT based in fear. I tend to then feel guilty, as though these decisions are wrong. Some of the things that scare me most are disappointing others, prioritizing my own needs and desires, and putting myself authentically “out there.” I’m desperately afraid of turning into a selfish bitch and I fear hurting other people with my own needs. When I make decisions that are NOT rooted in these fears, I feel guilty. I feel guilty precisely because I am choosing to do something differently, thereby going against everything I thought to be true based on years of growing up in a certain family, culture, religion etc. I’m learning to take this as a good sign, though, as I did with my symbolic snake encounter this morning.

I believe the snake greeted me as a harbinger of transformation. After a very difficult day-- resulting from the kind of non-fear-based decision and ensuing guilt that I referenced above— the universe seems to be sending me a message: That I am, in fact, in the midst of transformation. I’m about to shed my skin, perhaps, even as it crawls with fear.

SEARCHING FOR WISDOM

I have been thinking, recently, about what my epitaph might say. What words will sum up my life? “She lived and died unhappy, but never stopped trying.” This one is in the lead currently, as I prefer it to “She was competent,” which is the other choice. My friend Eric wrote to me recently and commented that I was “vivid, beautiful, and real.” I would love to live up to those words, but I’m not there yet. Eric sees potential, I believe, and his courageous ability to live vulnerably and share himself openly inspires me. His words made me happy for a moment, even if I didn’t believe them myself.

In any event, it seems I have been blessed and cursed in this life with a quest for wisdom of the spiritual type, a search for happiness, a journeying toward the meaning, or secrets, of life. The search itself, however, seems to create a sort of unhappiness. Obviously, there are lessons of surrender and acceptance in this life that I have yet to fully experience.

In an effort to come closer to all of this, I am searching for spiritual teachers. I think there are teachers out there and that they live the sorts of lives we might consider ordinary. They do dishes and take care of pets and husbands and struggle with illness and loss and the grief and beauty of life both coming and going. They witness, each and every day, "one more sun [come] sliding down the sky” (Counting Crows)-- and they get that this is life. I would like to learn from these souls.

Of course, children embody this wisdom better than any of us. They know a lot about happiness and good living and being present in the now. I witness their engagement with life with curiosity and admiration. I know they have a lot to teach me.

I am guessing that older individuals as well, and perhaps women in particular, know a lot about life. I would like to learn from them. We learn a lot over a lifetime and I am curious about what older women have learned with regard to living fully, openly, and with joy. I am curious to hear what they have to say about suffering. What are their regrets? What were the turning points in their lives? What brings them joy now? What would they tell a 30-something year old about living authentically and fully? After 60 years of living, are they closer to understanding what the meanings of these things we call life and love are?

If you are, or know of, a woman who is approximately 60 years or older who would be willing to meet with me to talk about her life, please contact me at the number below. The “interviews” will be conversations. I will ask individuals to share something about their life history and will ask about significant times and turning-points in their lives. Our conversations will be somewhat of a mix of describing one’s life and reflecting upon what one has learned. At this time, the project is purely personal. I am doing it for my own interest. However, as a psychologist and writer, I may use the material to write a personal or academic piece or to present my findings at a conference at some point in the future. A full consent form explaining the rights of all participants, including confidentiality and privacy, will be provided prior to the interviews.

The criteria are simple: Women who are approximately 60 years or older and who are willing to talk about their lives and what they have learned. Confidential interviews will be scheduled in 1-2 hour blocks, or participants can correspond by email. In-person interviews can be conducted in my office or in a participant’s home or an otherwise agreed upon place. I will begin with open-ended questions and will determine follow-up questions and the direction of the conversation based on responses to the initial questions. I may use astrology as a window into a person’s life and for this reason may ask for birth data prior to the interview; this approach is optional. I am interested in having conversations, more than traditional interviews, about the topics listed above. Participants will be free to share as much or as little as they wish, and all identifying information will remain confidential. It is my hope that participants gain something from the interviews as well. Reflecting on one’s experiences and sharing the stories of one’s life, especially in the presence of a listening ear and heart, can be a therapeutic experience which leaves one with increased self-knowledge, self-empathy, and love.

To learn more or express an interest in the project, please call: 860-432-8016, extension 0.

Scapegoating Farve: A Psychological Lesson in Self-Awareness

As a psychologist, football fan, and individual who is interested in the cultural ethos of our time, it saddens me that the American public, both supported by and supportive of mainstream media outlets, could so easily turn an ordinary man, whom they once deemed a hero, into a scapegoat—a dynamic which reflects the pervasive lack of self-awareness and accountability within our culture. Scapegoating is always the result of lack of accountability on the part of the individuals pointing the fingers.

As I see it, the Farve situation is not so complicated. Brett Farve, and any human being on this planet, has the right to change his mind. Period. The people around him, namely the Green Bay Packers, have the option of saying yes or no to his playing: They can choose to release him or bench him or start him. Period. Of course, there are procedures to follow, but in essence it is all really this simple. The seemingly complicated nature of the negotiations and public relations nightmare emerges when the parties do not take responsibility for their choices, and when the public refuses to take ownership of their responses.

I am not so naïve that I don’t understand the extreme competition that serves as a backdrop for decisions being made. Still, they are decisions that will in fact be made and each party involved will need to live with, and hopefully own, the consequences of such. This includes Farve living with the consequences of deciding to retire, apparently prematurely, back in March. Whether pressured in some way or not, it was his decision and he made it. If he completes official procedures required for reinstatement—which he has the right to do, the Packers will have decisions to make, for which they will need to accept accountability. Pointing fingers at each other is a poor strategy for not owning choices made and their consequences. To get through this with dignity, both Farve and the Packers will need to take fuller responsibility for the choices they are making.

How sports fans and non-sports fans alike then believe that this has something to do with them personally reflects a culture-wide problem much bigger than a football franchise. Fans everywhere were deeply touched witnessing the power of the human spirit on December 22, 2003 when Farve threw for what was arguably the game of his life one day after the sudden death of his father. Not five years later, many of these fans seem eager to crucify this same spirit. How can we understand this? In much the same way that Farve and the Packers have been attempting to shirk accountability for decisions made and to be made, fans fail to acknowledge why this situation “triggers” them. It is easy to identify with and support a person in their vulnerability because in such a state they are not threatening to us. I believe that Farve’s potential decision to be reinstated is psychologically threatening for many individuals, and to the public at large. If we could have looked inward at why this might be so rather than scapegoating Farve for our own insecurities, not only would we have averted what is now an entangled mess, but we could have learned something valuable about ourselves. The good news is that the saga is ongoing and gives those of us with strong responses an opportunity to learn something. We need only to be willing to accept ownership for all of our reactions, rather than projecting them onto the same man we projected hero status not too long ago. Here is a hint to get you started: Notice any judgments you are making about Farve and/or the Packers, then apply those words to yourself and acknowledge any fears that exist related to such judgments. Let’s do our part to increase self-awareness and accountability within the game of football, and within our world.

MY IDEAL MAN

A guitar playing carpenter. Scorpio sun-sign, Pisces or Scorpio moon, and Capricorn rising. He has a watery, receptive energy that is balanced by a masculine drive, which means he works tirelessly at his trade. And when he comes home at night, he has the large, beautiful, worn, blistery hands to prove it. Hands which call for my nurturing touch to help heal them.

Although accustomed to using his right hand more dominantly, he has learned to use his tools ambidextrously, so that his left side is equally strong. He has done this for me. I sleep to his left and he knows how the safety of biceps and triceps that I can really grab hold of turns me on. So he uses his left arm for my eventual pleasure.

When I look into his deep, dark eyes, I see into the ocean that is his soul: Bottomless and Engulfing, and I feel as though I could drown in there and be happy. His earthy, fixed energy, though, always knows when to pull me out to safety, even as he allows me to live there much of the time.

He wears work boots like the ones painted by Van Gough: Dark, worn leather. And when I see them by the front door, covered in mud, grass, and saw-dust, I glimpse the beauty of his world, a beauty brought to life through him. And I fantasize that I brought him to life. That I was his muse-- his in-spiration. That I sculpted him. And when finished, that I put my mouth on his and breathed my breath into him, bringing him to life. At that moment, it did not matter if I could be with him in the future... because the ache of not having him-- the pain of never-to-be-fulfilled pining for this beautiful man-- was worth that one kiss. I often feel as though I would give my life for that one kiss; and for this Ideal Man.

THE DARK SIDE OF COMPROMISE

On the playground, we’re told of this value;
The one supposedly essential to life.
“You can’t always have things your way.
Play your game for five minutes,
then play his.”
Some adults monitor this with a watch.
What if my game takes more than five minutes? I wonder.

And in relationships, we’re told this is a necessity;
One which will make or break the deal.
“If you want a small house
and he wants a big one
build medium.”
And the marriage counselor measures the couples’ progress.
But what if neither of us wants a medium one? I plead.

As for careers, it is written in the stars;
You take the bad with the good.
“If you want flexible hours
and they want to pay you shit,
then eat the shit.”
The world constrains passion with degrees of freedom.
But what if I don’t like the taste of shit, even with flexible hours? I cry.

With multiple authors, there is no other way;
The truth of one’s voice must submit.
“You can’t ever have your way:
use her truth in this paragraph,
and yours in the next.”
The editor obliterates both with a new fiction.
But what if I can only express the truth and don’t want to write fiction? I now only think (to myself).

So, in life, this value becomes ingrained;
It is a given which we now take for granted.
“When you want things your way,
and the world believes another,
give up.”
Most adults don’t even have to monitor this (anymore).
What if I don’t want to give up? I no longer protest.