THE LUNCH-LADY MUSE

I have been talking with my husband, for a while now, about separating. Our paths seem to be taking us in different directions. I crave freedom and change and growth. He is very happy with how things are. I want to take more risks; he prefers security. I want to live life with passion; he enjoys a calmer version of things.

Recently, we had a conversation about change, and the muses that inspire such. He is not a big fan of change, instead opting to maintain the status quo as much as is humanly possible. As a small example, he eats the same thing for lunch every single day, made by the same “lunch-line lady,” who he believes may be his muse. Maria is her name. Over the past few weeks, Maria has gently encouraged him to add red peppers to his usual sandwich. “Would you like red peppers with that?” she lovingly inquires. And, with what I imagine is some trepidation, he agrees. He now eats the same lunch with the addition of red peppers each day, thanks to his muse.

I wonder what Maria must feel as she witnesses him approach in line. My guess is that it is a nurturing feeling—sort of maternal, but more like a wise goddess who can look at a man and know exactly what he needs in order to heal. She saw my husband and knew he needed red peppers. It’s an interesting choice: The addition of color and sweetness to his life. My own choice would have been something like: “Do you want firey, raw sex with that sandwich?” ….or, at least the option of hot peppers. But then again, Maria is probably both more objective and more wise than I am. She seems to know how to work with my husband’s own timetable and realm of experience, whereas I am more likely to impose mine on him. Maria knows that it is important to take small steps, which often have big impact.

After a few weeks of adding red peppers and a conversation about making changes, my husband ordered a different sandwich altogether! And he felt proud of himself for doing so. He also believed that Maria was secretly proud of him, thinking to herself “That’s my boy.” Bolstered by an experience of confidence and a felt sense of support from the lunch-line muse, he may use this experience in a way that leads to even more changes and bigger steps. “What’s next?” he asks. I guess it’s a story to be continued. And whether the changes that come about ever lead to the kind of risk and passion that I crave from a partner seems irrelevant to me now. Rather, what strikes me as significant is that he is on his own path of growth; and like red peppers that inspired it, this is a sweet thing.