Replacing Guilt and Blame with Awareness

Relationships are a very common topic in the world of psychotherapy. From explorations of conflicts within current relationships to the yearnings and desires for yet-to-be-had relationships; thoughts, feelings, and theories on this topic fly around therapy rooms across the globe. Often, the question of how to create more fulfilling relationships arises. My best answer to this question is to work on one’s own self-awareness. Put the focus on you.

As human beings, we tend to be fond of feeling guilty and placing blame—both of which are strategies for avoiding self-awareness and the responsibility that comes with it. The blame game is the more obvious of the two strategies: If the conflict or lack of fulfillment is someone else’s fault, then I am absolved of all responsibility and need only to shift my external circumstances (which is often easier, albeit less permanent, than shifting from the inside out). Guilt functions similarly. If I feel guilty, then my remorse takes the place of responsibility: It is enough that I feel guilty for being mean to you; I don’t also need to change the motivations that led me there. Guilt often amounts to another form of shirking responsibility.

Working toward self-awareness is much more empowering than guilt or blame, and it does wonders for relationships. Self-awareness refers to a process more than an endpoint, and it is more useful to think of it as a verb than a noun. Self-awareness is the process by which we actively gain ever-increasing knowledge of our feelings, thoughts, desires, motivations, fantasies, and behaviors. It works a bit like a camera lens with an expanding panoramic view. At any one time, some things will be brought into focus more than others. And over time, more of the full view will be revealed, and it will be revealed in sharper focus. “Doing” self-awareness is empowering because the more we understand our experiences, especially our motivations and desires, the more choices we have in any given moment. And choosing to create the life one really wants is the most empowering process there is.

Too often, though, we choose things based on fear, and hide behind guilt and blame. Awareness entails that we come to know what we are afraid of and can then ask ourselves, do I want to make this particular decision based on that? And: Is there another choice? The answer to any particular question is not what matters most. What matters most is that you can answer the question with as much information available to you as is possible. Without an ever-increasing sense of awareness, we make decisions based upon a very narrow view of ourselves and the world. We also tend to choose things based on a sort of ignorance that may be rooted in fear. Consider, for example, the impact of having, or not having, an intimate knowledge of your own desires. If you are not aware, in a focused way, of what you want, then you are likely to say yes—consciously or unconsciously—to a whole bunch of things that you don’t want.

As an example, perhaps you are someone for whom it is important to be accepted by family. As a result of this, you say yes to your sister whenever she asks you to watch her dog overnight, which is frequently. The past few times she has come to pick up her adorable pup, you notice feeling irritable toward her. It may be that your desire to be accepted by your sister prevents you from realizing that you do not like watching her dog so frequently because it interferes with your desire to go the gym straight from work. Becoming aware of this desire, though, (in this case, wanting the freedom to go to the gym from work) will prevent you from becoming resentful, full of blame, or burdened by guilt. Instead, it will give you choices—you will not automatically say yes in the future, but rather will be forced to think about what it is that you really want. And although it may make things awkward between you and your sister in the moment, it will prevent the kind of bitterness or distance that creeps into relationships when conflicts are ignored. Awareness will also force you to take full responsibility for your decision. Once aware of your own conflict, you will not have your sister or her pup to blame. Nor will you be left feeling guilty about being so irritated with them. You will be responsible for choosing yes or no each and every time she asks you for this favor. Awareness, choice, and responsibility go hand-in-hand; and they are liberating, empowering, and challenging.

The heart of the matter is this: The more we relate from an authentic (i.e., aware and responsible) place, the more real our connections will be and the less baggage we will carry—both with ourselves and with others. Our relationships become freer and more alive, and we can begin to create the lives we really want. Connecting with oneself from this place of authenticity requires that we really get to know ourselves, to take responsibility for our choices (and therefore our lives), and to risk sharing this full view with others. Seeing everything that’s there, shadow and all, requires a lot of patience, gentleness, acceptance, and self-love. It is also the only road to relationships—and lives—that are fulfilling and authentically creative.