Fantasy for a Friend

I have a rich fantasy life, though what I fantasize about is not that out of the oridinary. I imagine the everyday conversations I'd like to have. And the things I would like to be different in my life-- sharing Thanksgiving Dinner with close friends rather the obligatory family visits, for example. I have these same fantasies for others, imagining what I might want for them: For my artist friend to show his work in a Soho gallery; for my sister to go to hairdressing school; for my husband to break out of his need for so much security in his life. It's a strange thing-- to create fantasies for others, since they are, after all, my fantasies. My husband likes his security, for example; it's me who would like to see him loosen up. So, I try to own these invented stories as my own, even as I dream them for and share them with others. Below is the fantasy I had for a friend. I offer this, for what it's worth, to all the guys and gals out there searching for and chasing after that thing we call love.

One day, when you are not expecting it, you meet a woman who intrigues you. You like the person she is. You laugh together. You have fun sharing time, and ideas, and even some hobbies. In fact, things go pretty well. She's not quite your usual type, though. And you miss the high of the chase that is ordinarily a part of your romatic relationships. But something about her keeps you interested. She has a way of tapping into the best there is within you, and at some level you feel this. It scares you, and there an edge of excitement within the fear, though it's different than the edge of excitement in the chase you are used to.

As things grow more serious, you want to pull away, but that something-about-her-that-keeps-you-interested is stronger. And so you stay, despite some doubts. You settle in together-- start living under one roof-- and over time the doubts start to fade, though they are there to some degree and you still miss the chase. The sex is sometimes good, sometimes mediocre. You wonder what else is out there. What you might be missing. On some level, the relationship feels too easy— there is nothing to conquer— and this leaves you uneasy, but you stay.

She grants you absolute freedom. No strings attached. She wants you to be you and to have those experiences that leave you feeling fulfilled. She can take care of herself, psychologically, which means that you can claim your own freedom. The potential for projection is taken out of the equation. If you feel limited, confined, uneasy, then you know it is coming from within and not from her. She is holding space for you... to be.

And over time, you begin to relax into her. And the sex gets better. And one night you make love to her and all boundaries dissolve. You find that you are totally open to her, in a way never experienced before now: Exposed, vulnerable, known within your depths. She sees right into you, clearly, and she still loves you… loves you more… and you feel it, deep deep within, in your bones and blood and soul. Her love for you is visceral and penetrating and warm all at the same time. You feel death as the merging evokes the eventual separation; and it's worth it. At this moment something unrecognizable is running through your veins— a kind of power unknown in your life before now. The power that comes from abject surrender. And you taste God, in yourself, in her, in the air that you breathe. Death and God and sex and love are part of the very same moment, ... a moment which eventually ends. And life resumes, and for the first time in your life, something of the high you just experienced stays with you in a way that you cannot quite explain. But you don’t need to explain. Because you feel it. And in that moment all doubt ceases. And you know you’ll be with her forever.