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Anxiety around the state of the economy seems to be swirling about everywhere these days, much like the leaves that now carpet the ground here in the Northeast. I sense it in people: More caution, close to the surface terror, knots in stomachs, and a resulting irritability which poorly disguises the fearful survival instinct that responds to all hints of threat.
I have noticed a differnt response within myself. Sadly, perhaps, I actually began to feel excited. "A challenge!," I thought. I grew up without a lot of money and watched my family struggle, often. For that reason, and others, I know now that I can survive just about anything. Whereas I love to spend money, I could just as easily be without it. What matters to me in life has no monetary value. Still, being excited is a strange reaction. I have to wonder about why those survival instincts are wanting to express themselves in this way, now...?
There is something else as well. News of the economy tanking evoked for me those fantasies of being in a romantic relationship with the starving-artist type of guy. Or being the starving artist type of gal. And leading a life in which passion mattered more than security. With security nowhere to be found, maybe passion would be more readily available. Stripped of material possessions, I would live closer to the depths and breadth of life, living in that nebulous realm where meaning and intensity each find their home.
I could live in the woods, I began to imagine, with Kenny Loggins' "Even though we ain't got money..." serving as the theme song of this fantasy. My husband's flesh would keep me warm; our conversation would provide all the nutrients I need; his semen, quench my thirst. Rather than sleepwalking through life, we would be faced with survival, and therefore in touch with death. And when any of us who are walking around this earth truly sit with our own impending death, we cannot help but move into the realm of meaning and passion and intensity.
When I snapped out of this fantasy, I was left with two thoughts. One, I would need a different husband entirely to participate in this fantasy with me. And two, I don't need to lose whatever money and security I have in order to sit with my own death. I can choose, now, to meditate on death and dying and my own eventual non-existence and follow the path of wherever this leads me.
I think I have more to say about the survival instinct and the various ways in which this manifests, but I'll leave that for another time, except to say that we are in the realm of astrology's 8th house and its affiliates, Scorpio and Pluto.
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2 comments:
I know I have been more anxious and irritable lately due to the economy. The economic problems have, until recently, been more of intellectual interest - at some safe distance. Not anymore - the problems feel closer, more dangerous, and more unpredictable. Worry, tinged with a bit of melodrama no doubt, sweeps in, and then recedes. Attempts to harness the "worry energy" and put it into something useful is - well, a good idea, but damn difficult in practice for me. I swing between feeling like the best response is nothing at all because nothing has happened to me, and feeling I should immediately be doing something signfiicant. There is a train coming, and I'm standing on the track……. Why don't I move! (here comes the melodrama)….. Sell the car and bank that money? Stop spending anything on the things that help to make life bearable - dinners, vacations, little treats…….
I have gotten to reflect on what I associate with "well-being" when it comes to material things - and perhaps its good for me to stop and think about that. For me, I often feel good when surrounded by what I think of as "abundance." I even love the sound of that word. Thankfully, my sense of "abundance" doesn't currently run to expensive watches, $500 shoes, boats, Gucci clothes, beach houses, and other big ticket items that I could not sustain for long without going into debt. Instead, my sense of abundance runs to fresh cut flowers every couple weeks, buying plants at the nursery when I see ones I like, going out to eat once in awhile at nice restaurants, seeing plays, and paying bills the day they come in, or even in advance, and treating others with suprises - lunch, fruit baskets, hams…… I think this is why I like the idea of Thanksgiving particularly --- a reflection on a plentiful harvest. Abundance. In practice, my family ruins Thanksgiving usually (not on purpose) - but that's another story entirely…...
Another thing I've noticed that my expectations when it comes to things that require purchasing, after being lowered very significantly in my 20s after a materially (and in other ways) very blessed childhood, have been creeping up over the last five years. That's worrisome - and if nothing else - the danger I feel has brought me in touch with that creeping set of material desires.
I look forward to further meditations
Interesting thoughts... I love the idea of abundance and of meditating on what that means to each of us. Astrologically, and psychologically, my sense is that the energy you describe might find some support and growth opportunities from exploring the following question: What do you need to contain in order that something else grow? In other words, how might you use discipline and restraint as an anchor for something else that can then thrive?
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