The Art of Gift Giving and of Relationships

‘Tis the season of gift giving, and whether you are giving in honor of Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, or a Sagittarian birthday, there is an art to gift giving that mimics the secrets of healthy relationships. Understanding the art of gifting helps one to develop the art of relationships. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary tells us that the word gift comes from a Middle English word meaning “something given, talent;” and its modern day definition does not deviate much from its source. According to MW, its three definitions are as follows: (1) a notable capacity, talent, or endowment, (2) something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation, and (3) the act, right, or power of giving. Musical talent is considered a gift, usually one that a person is born with; and a guitar bought for this person is a related, yet different kind of gift.

I love giving gifts, and my favorite kind to give are those that are “voluntarily transferred” (definition 2) with an appreciation for a person’s notable talent or endowment (definition 1), and maybe particularly those talents or capacities that are most treasured by the recipient, either consciously or otherwise. In other words, I love to give gifts that appreciate a person’s uniqueness. Gifts that say “I see you; I appreciate who you are.” The wonderful thing is that we all have the capacity or power to give in this way (definition 3) if we so choose, and doing so does not necessarily cost much at all. Still, we tend to do so less frequently than we all may care to admit. I found the following distinction mentioned in a post on overachievercoach.blogspot.com. It is one I’ve heard described many times before: A present is something that you want the recipient to have. A gift is something that the recipient would want. Many of us tend to give presents over gifts. Why might this be so?

First, gifting comes with the prerequisite of empathy. In order to give something the recipient would want, we must step into their shoes, even if momentarily. This requires thought, time, and an opening of one’s heart. Second, opening one’s heart can be hard to do in certain relationships. Especially during the December holidays, we tend to give gifts, or presents, to those we might not choose to otherwise. A sibling with whom you’ve had a falling-out or an ongoing rivalry; a coworker who is likely not to return the favor of a present; a boss, parent, or spouse you’ve grown to resent; or a grab bag recipient whom you barely know. In such cases, empathy is challenging, to say the least. Relatedly, in relationships that contain a history of some hurt, giving a gift can feel a lot like forgiveness and can bring up many of the same challenges. We may feel as though giving (or for-giving) from a place of open-heartedness means that everything else is okay, and it may be too painful to risk sending out this message. I don’t believe that it does mean this; but I know it feels that way to most of us much of the time. Still, to the extent that it is tolerable, I believe in gifting over present-ing. Having said this, I should also say that the number one strategy to giving is, as is always the case from my perspective, AWARENESS. It doesn’t matter whether you give a gift or present or nothing; just that you know what you are doing and why.

The art of gift giving lies in having an open heart. Herein, also, lays the art of relationship; though here we need to take things a step further. The art of relating is rooted in an open heart, even though it can be painfully difficult to get there. As with gift giving, it can feel as though we are granting the other a kind of absolution that we do not wish to. The problem is that if we do not open our hearts, we are likely to have an effect on the other of closing, or keeping closed, his or her own heart. This presents each of us with a dilemma that is difficult to step out of. Again, the answer is AWARENESS, and articulating that awareness to the other. I can express to my husband, for example, that the way things are going really are not okay with me. I would like to see things change a bit—for us to stretch and grow. Coming from this place of an open heart will get me, and us, a lot further than doing so from a place of resentment. This is a real life example, and one that I have had to work hard to bring into awareness and to accept responsibility for. I believe it is my task to be honest and open. My husband knows that the way things are between us is not entirely satisfactory to me. And, he will be getting a gift, not a present, from me this holiday season.

There is one last issue that impacts our choice of gifts and our relationships. It is something like faith in ourselves. I have observed that many of us undermine our own capacity for empathy. We may believe that we really don’t have much to offer; that we are not important enough or capable of empathizing with another and giving a great gift. I think it was two years ago that I bought my UPS man a gift. I made the mistake of telling others I did this and was ridiculed. “You don’t buy the UPS man a gift! Just give him a monetary tip or gift certificate.” It was my intention to give him something that said “I acknowledge who you are,” but I was talked out of it by others. I felt incredibly embarrassed, actually, that I would have purchased a gift in the first place. I guess I believed that I wasn’t worthy of giving. It’s crazy to think about this; yet the gift is sitting in my attic as I type. And as anxiety provoking as it might have been, it would have warmed my heart to give him the gift. This is the thing about gift giving: When we can get there, it usually warms our souls as much as it touches those to which we give.

Maybe I’ll retrieve that gift for Mr. UPS from my attic this December….