Tonight's Phantasies

My husband left for a business trip several days ago. I've been looking forward to a few days alone. At this time last year, I had just begun what ended up being my too-short, though much appreciated, sabbatical from marriage, during which I lived on my own. Several days home alone isn't quite the same thing, but I'll take it.

So, here, tonight, alone, I have time for my phantasies. The first: I have a husband who reads my writings-- A guy who, in wanting to stay connected to me while away, would think to check out my blog to see what was on my mind and in my heart. It's not that my husband doesn't think of me or miss me when away from home, he just isn't all that interested in what's going on beneath the surface. Tonight he called to tell me about the people he met in the new office that will now be reporting in to him- he started rattling off who looked like whom. Someone there looked like our handyman, another like our brother-in-law, etc. etc. "Do you have anything of substance to say, 'cuz I'm watching House?" was all I could say in return. I was wishing for the guy who wanted to know what I might be writing about these days. Perhaps as a coping mechanism for not having such a guy, I turned my attention to phantasies about someone else.

Phatasy #2: That someone else calls me up because he's lonely and wants to talk-- to run something by me. We talk for awhile and say good night. But I cannot get him off my mind and so I get into my car and drive over to his place, nervous but possessed--I have to see him, to have him, really. I walk up to his door and knock. He answers immediately, as though he's been waiting. And when he opens the door and sees me, he doesn't seem surprised. I take his hand and without saying a word I hold it, and caress it, with fingers, then lips. My hands make their way, slowly, up his arms, lovingly devouring his biceps and triceps, while my lips find his and we both catch fire...

I think I'll leave the rest of that phantasy for me, at least for now, and move on to phantasy #3: It's a silly one-- I make sacred, chocolate covered nuts with various healing properties; and I can read people for what kind of healing they need. I'm a healer in a different way than a therapist (my position now) is a healer and I find this discipline to be nurturing to me in a way that practicing therapy no longer is. As I write this, I'm aware of Chocolate, the movie with this very similar theme of healing-chocolate used by an intuitive sort of woman. Though I loved the movie, I hadn't made this conscious connection until now. No doubt it was influencing phantasy #3 subconsciously.

I'll have to make a point of watching this movie again soon. I'm also remembering that when I was living on my own just a short year ago, I worked with my intuition a lot more. I was practicing tarot card readings and other forms of intuitive play. And I enjoyed it. I think it's time for me to connect with my phantasies more often and bring some of them-- yes, just some of them-- to life.