Family Ties... that bind

I come from a pretty f—ked up family, myself included. By f—ked up, I mean that we all struggle with life, often in the midst of lots of drama and chaos, and seem to spend much time in unhappiness. There are seven of us, counting my mom and dad. Of those seven, three are full-blown alcoholics and three enjoy their booze to a point where it can, let’s say, get in the way. And then there’s me. I’m messed up in a different way—in a way that doesn’t interfere with anything or anyone other than me. In a way that lacks drama and chaos. In contrast, I’m calm, responsible, and lead a mature life. I own a home and a car and a business, and I run my business well and help others while doing so. My craziness is of a different brand than that of other members of my family, and I cope with the craziness differently as well. For example, I rarely drink; though when I do, two glasses of wine are two too many.

I had one and half (too many) on Saturday night. I was out with two of my sisters and my five year old niece, M, celebrating the five years of life M has had to date. When I ordered a glass of wine, I thought: Why not? I have nothing planned tomorrow. I know I’ll feel lousy and lazy and sleepy, but that’ll be okay for tomorrow. I love the feeling of being slightly inebriated. I love the freedom, easy laughter, and relaxation which overcome me. Like most members of my family, I’m a good drunk—the kind who can bring more life to a party. It’s like I’m a better version of myself—or at least that’s what I’m tempted to believe. It is tempting to believe this other version of myself is better than the mature, responsible, and sometimes rigid one. It’s tempting to think that if I just let go, I’ll be more fun to be around as well as happier myself.

Being the odd one out in my family, I was always teased for being responsible, even as I was held to that standard. An unintentional trap is what it was: Take care of your younger siblings, but when you show maturity elsewhere know that you’ll be teased for it. It’s now etched into my being that responsibility and maturity are not traits to be proud of. Still, it is me…

It is excruciatingly painful to hold deep, negative judgments about one’s core self. You would think those negative judgments would cause me to be less responsible-- to give some of that up, but it is almost as though I cannot help it. If something isn’t being done that I think needs to be, I step up to do it—even when I tell myself not to. I can’t seem to shake it—unless, of course, I’m drinking.

So what happened on Saturday? I have a modest amount of wine. In the moment, I have more fun than I would have if I drank tea. Later on, and the next morning, I believe I’m a terrible person. I wasn’t responsible, for others is the significant modifier here.

As usual, the conversation at Saturday night dinner turned to my sister’s f—ked up relationship with her on again off again mobster boyfriend. This, at my niece’s birthday dinner. Had I been drinking tea, I would have done everything possible—and I imagine would have succeeded, and diplomatically so— to make sure the focus remained on M. But I had wine instead, and indulged my sister, and because I didn’t drink too much I remained aware that M, and my other sister— M’s mom, were not having as much fun as they should have had celebrating the anniversary of M’s birth five years prior. This is what I later regretted. And this is the problem, the trap: I dislike myself both ways. Had I chosen not to drink and had I been the one to essentially shut-down my sister-with-the-mobster-boyfriend, bringing the focus back to M, I would have regretted that as well, judging myself as someone who cannot have fun. Of course, I realize that it is me and my internal judgments that set up the trap.

I have so many more examples of how this dilemma plays out without a sense of how to step out of it. If I were working with myself as a client, I would try to facilitate self-acceptance: Acceptance of self with both the responsible traits and the less responsible ones. I guess I should try to begin with that…