A Vision of Hope

Written, Christmas 07:
Sitting around the table on Christmas Day, just as everyone was finishing their dinner, my sister clinked her wine glass with a knife-- the way they do at weddings to get the bride and groom to kiss-- and made the announcement that, to her, Christmas signified hope. She then asked everyone who was present to say what they hoped for in the coming year. This small gesture brought laughter and tears to the dozen-plus people sitting around the table, who were taking in the hopeful message of Christmas. I decided to pass with a “no comment,” as others hoped for everything from their children’s happiness to a Patriots’ win later that week. Then, when everyone had announced their hopes, the following words shamelessly escaped from my mouth: “Hope is actually the cause of all suffering.” Not one of my finest Christmas moments, I readily admit. My youngest sister asked if I were the same person who had sent the Christmas card, inspired by Albert Einstein, encouraging my friends and family to see everything as though it were a miracle. She, as a Gemini, should appreciate that this was the cynical shadow of the idealistic part of myself that chose that card for the holidays.

I went on to explain that hope keeps people wanting what they don’t have instead of appreciating what they do. We hope that our parents will someday be the perfect persons we want them to be; or that we could live without the limitations that seem to restrict us; that we could have the energy, bodies, and health we did in our younger years; or attain that well-paid perfect job without the required work and discipline it takes to get there…. I was trying to prove a mostly cynical point that had way more to do with my own “stuckness” than with any wisdom that deserved to be shared. “I just hope for financial stability and if I get there, great, if not that’s okay too.” Okay, now my little sister was really putting me in my place. How can you argue with that sweet, innocent hope? I cannot. And she proved the more realistic and wise message related to hope: It is not hope that causes suffering, but our attachment to it. She has every right and every capacity to hope for financial stability. This, in and of itself, will not cause suffering. In fact, the hope or intention may be the force that brings this possibility into being for her. What could cause suffering is an attachment to attaining this—if my sister is only focused on this or attaches her happiness to it, then she will miss those experiences that are right in front of her and what they have to offer. Even financial struggles have something to teach us. Again, it’s not the hope, but the putting one’s life on hold until the hope materializes, that leads us into suffering. Spiritual healers all over the globe have said this much, and for many centuries. I have read this, and heard this, over and over again. Still, I almost spoiled a beautiful ritual begun by a sister who has often had very little hope because I chose to stay stuck in my own suffering rather let go of my attachment to certain outcomes.

So this column is my apology—to my sister who suggested the hope exercise and to everyone else at the table. My hope is twofold: One, that I can let go of the attachments to outcomes that are keeping me stuck; and two, that I will be a better friend, sister, aunt, daughter, and godmother in the year to come.