The Backlash of Growth

After practicing psychotherapy for a number of years, I have become increasingly aware of a phenomenon I refer to as “The Backlash of Growth.” Unfortunately, this phenomenon exists for many individuals who are on a path of growth and development, whether they are in therapy or not. In this column I want to focus on why this backlash might happen and the relevance of this for people who are growing psychologically. The backlash boils down to this: As Person A grows psychologically, discovers what makes them happy, goes after this, experiences an increased sense of confidence and esteem, trusts the world, gives up needless worry, believes that everyone deserves to live the lives that make sense for them, etc., etc., then Person B—who is not doing this—may feel threatened. And Person B may respond by “projecting” negative feelings or judgments onto Person A.

How can we understand this? What happens, potentially, is that after seeing Person A, Person B is—on some level—faced with her own regrets, limits, perceived shortcomings, and the juicy life that she is not leading. These are difficult thoughts/feelings to tolerate and can cause a sense of internal turmoil. For some individuals faced with this situation, putting down Person A is a lot easier than owning up to the thoughts and feelings that are evoked by observing his growth and happiness. If Person A is disdained in some way, then he is no longer a threat and Person B can continue to live life as she was, without needing to acknowledge a desire for change.

Most human beings find comfort in how things already are. Change is difficult. Growth is difficult. Evolution is about moving through tension and coming out on the other side. It requires boldness, risk, living outside the box, and possibly going against the grain, which means that it often requires questioning the status quo. People who need the comfort of the status quo don’t usually like this. It is a threat to their way of being because it calls their way of living into question. If we all keep doing things the same way, then there is no need to question anything. If someone suddenly does things a bit differently, then there is room for questions, and questions can be threatening. It is important to acknowledge that I am not referring to people who consciously chose the status quo. Rather, I’m referring to those who take their place there out of habit and fear. And it is understandable that so many of us would. Again, going against the grain entails a lot of risk.

If you are someone who is experiencing growth in some way, someone who is daring to live the life you really want to, someone who has boldly embraced life, then know that others may project negative feelings and judgments on to you that have nothing to do with you. You are just the target, which is admittedly a difficult and uncomfortable thing to be. Still, it is essential that you know that this is not about you, especially if the changes you are experiencing in your own life are new. Any period of personal change and growth will be marked by vulnerability. We need to try out our changes within the world and see how it responds, notice how we feel, observe how the changes are working. During this period negative judgments can hit us harder than they would otherwise, and so remembering that this is just the “backlash,” that it has nothing to do with you, and that it may be a testament to your boldness (the greater the boldness, the greater the backlash) will help you to move through the vulnerability with some added protection. If this describes you, surround yourself with others who have taken their own courageous steps and keeping moving the beat of your own drum.