INTIMACY AND FREEDOM

“There's a need to be separate and a need to be oneAnd a struggle neither wins” From Sky Blue and Black – Jackson Browne

It seems as though the struggle to find balance between these two states is all around me these days. Intimacy—or the need to be one, on the one hand; and Freedom—or the need to be separate, on the other. I notice this theme in the books I’m reading, the songs I hear, conversations I have, and in my internal dialogue. Is it possible to be intimate with someone and maintain one’s freedom at the same time? Many people find themselves closer to one or the other of these poles, with an intense craving for closeness that can look like dependency, or with defenses that keep others out and supposedly protect freedom. Yet, most of us also want both. We want to be free enough to be ourselves, to be who-we-experience-ourselves-to-be without inhibition, without the need to wear a thick mask, without the worry of what others will think of us or whether we will threaten them with our independence. We also want to experience feeling close enough to someone that we then feel known and understood by them.

Despite the fact that so many experience this dilemma in one form or another, in truth, it is freedom that is the condition for real intimacy. And the reverse may prove to be true as well. What this means is that it is not only possible to have both, but that a person cannot truly have one without the other. I have to admit to falling on the side of freedom myself. I’m a total lover of freedom. My nephew just got his first tattoo—“Faith” printed on his forearm in huge black letters, in honor of my dad. I loved it as soon as I saw it because to me it was about freedom. The freedom to be who he is, which is in part a sensitive kid who feels a strong bond with his grandfather and who himself has a ton of faith, even if he hasn’t yet figured this out. The thing is, the freer he is to be himself (not an easy task when you’re 17), the more likely he is to experience true intimacy. And this is true for any of us. How can we expect to really feel close to another if what we are sharing with that other isn’t completely honest and free? Real intimacy requires really being seen, really being heard, really being known. When we short-change our sense of freedom, we short-change the potential for closeness with others as well.

Eric Francis, an astrologer and writer whose work I love, wisely observes that “honesty leads to intimacy” (see his work at: www.planetwaves.net). Being honest and experiencing intimacy go hand-in-hand, especially if we are talking about lived honesty—about integrity. In order to achieve true intimacy, we must first be honest with ourselves and be courageous enough to live that honesty in our day-to-day lives. This includes bringing this honesty into our relationships. Think of times when you have felt most free. When you have been able to reveal yourself in all that you are. It is likely that these times also mark experiences of true intimacy, with yourself and/or with others. It is one of the reasons that most therapies feel quite intimate at times—we find ourselves in a space of self-revealing freedom, allowing someone else to know “the real” us. This, quite simply, is one definition of intimacy, and it is predicated upon freedom.

Francis has been writing a lot about the concept of compersion lately, compersion being the opposite of jealousy. Compersion is about loving another in all that they desire and holding a space for them to explore this; i.e., allowing them to be free. Can we love and support a partner in his passion for watching and playing baseball, for example, or do we need him to be something different for us? Can we allow a romantic partner to write love poems, even if these are inspired by love-objects other than ourselves? This is a challenging task for many and quite different from how most people live-out relationships. We tend to want to mold people to fit our own needs and to create arrangements that minimize our own fears. When we do this, we diminish others, and diminish ourselves as well.

The other side of this coin of compersion is being a person who can ask for this space from others, and even demand it. And a person who can claim this space for themselves. It’s like saying “This is who I am and I want to be close to you from this honest place. I would like you to support this. I insist on being free.” Again, a challenging task, particularly if we are worried about being rejected because of our demands for freedom. We tend to imprison ourselves, preventing anything like freedom from emerging. Our fears keep us in that defensive posture—keeping others out, or they keep us hanging on to others for their permission to be free. I think it’s time that we grant this freedom to ourselves.

Another writer/ astrologer whose work I admire describes the changing landscape of relationships in the Age of Aquarius, stating that in this new century we are being asked to “enter into equal partnerships -- not from dependency, but out of interdependency. The image of Aquarian relationship is of two trees standing next to one another, their branches intertwined, even leaning against one another in places, but each has its own separate root system, its own internal supports. We're the pioneers for this new age” (Dana Gerhardt, personal communication, www.mooncircles.com). I love this image: Two tall, strong, rooted trees standing side-by-side and even leaning on one another in some places, without losing their rootedness. We are responsible for growing our own roots, for asserting our own freedom, for disclosing who we really are to the world. When we do this, we can find ourselves intertwined and side-by-side others (i.e., in intimacy) without danger of losing ourselves.