Learning About Oneself Through Others

In the world of therapy there is a concept known as Transference which can be a helpful way of understanding what goes on in some relationships. In therapeutic circles, it most often refers to a process by which the client relates to the therapist as though the therapist were someone from the client’s past (usually a parent). The client “projects” assumptions onto the therapist that may have nothing to do with who the therapist is, and rather have everything to do with the client’s past. This is one interpretation of the concept anyway, and probably a more extreme version. In real life, we may relate to others as though they were someone from our past because there are ways in which they are, in fact, like those others.

In any event, we do tend to relate based on past experience. We bring to the world what we already know. If early on you learned that people who are close to you will take advantage of your vulnerability, then you will expect that same treatment in future relationships until you learn otherwise. In theory, when you meet someone and get close to them and they do not take advantage of you, your assumption that “those who are close to me take advantage of me,” will be subject to some editing and will shift to something like “Not all people who are close to me will take advantage of my vulnerability.” The problem is this: Sometimes our assumptions and beliefs become self-fulfilling prophesies. If you expect close others to hurt you, then you might protect yourself from ever getting too close and thereby rob yourself of the opportunities to learn something different, i.e., to challenge your current beliefs. Or, you allow yourself to get close but act as though the person will eventually hurt you. That person then responds by feeling hurt and in order to protect himself from this hurt, he lashes out at you, proving you right.

There is a lot of talk these days about “The Secret” or the law of attraction, which touts that our thoughts create reality. If we think about wellness, then we will feel and be well. With regard to the concept of transference, what thinking positively can help with is shifting expectations that are rooted in past experience. Instead of expecting to be hurt, we can expect to be treated well. And when we do this, we increase the opportunities that exist for this to happen instead of contributing to a negative self-fulfilling prophecy cycle. My more complete set of thoughts about the law of attraction will have to be left for another column... For now, the point I wish to convey is that we may not even know that we have expectations that lead to suffering, which makes it difficult to then change them. Therapy can help by increasing our awareness of these patterns. So, too, can expecting outcomes that you deem positive.

As an exercise, you can pay attention to your expectations within a specific relationship. Pick any relationship at all and ask yourself, what do I expect to happen within this relationship? What do I think I know for sure? Then, ask yourself if this expectation or belief feels familiar to you. And if the expectation is undesired, play with expecting something different, something more desirable. The idea here is to play and explore in an effort to increase awareness. It is important to keep in mind that we are all human, and feeling hurt, misunderstood, angry, etc. are normal aspects of relationships. So, when you do feel hurt by a significant other, rather than saying “See, my expectation of being hurt was right” ask yourself if there is anything different in this relationship. For example, is it possible to talk about the hurt and work things through now, when that might not have been possible in your childhood? In other words, stretch yourself to notice all of the expectations you are bringing to the table and stay open to all of the possible ways in which a present relationship could be different. Again, using therapy as a way of exploring such dynamics is helpful for many individuals. Good luck!