GREAT SEX?

What makes great sex great? I asked myself this question the other day and wasn't sure how to answer it. It struck me as strange that I couldn't come up with a satisfying answer. I wanted to believe it's about a level of intimacy, but if that were true then long-term partner sex would be really great much of the time, and for most individuals this is not true.

Is it about the orgasm? Whereas most people I've spoken to would rather have the orgasm than not, and whereas a lack of orgasm is a way of discriminating not-so-great sex for many, the big O doesn't seem to answer the question of the essence of great sex.

My husband told me that all sex is great. This wasn't a very helpful answer and I don't believe it's representative of how most individuals feel. I think most people would say "this time was great, but this time wasn't," even if they cannot say why.

As I gave this more thought I kept coming back to the intimacy answer. Maybe great sex has something to do with intimacy, not with one’s partner, but with oneself. And not only knowing oneself well, but accepting oneself well. And then sharing from this place.

Sex is the paradigmatic experience of merging our spiritual and animalistic urges and potentials. We can only do this, though, if we accept all of who we are: Primal desires and transcendent needs alike; light and darkness; assertiveness and receptivity; aggression and softness. Before we can merge these tendencies, we need to acknowledge that they exist at all. And then we need to accept them. And to love ourselves for being this way.

Intimacy comes from a word meaning the "action of making known." Being intimate with oneself means making oneself known – that is, revealing oneself. I would add that when a person truly reveals herself-- makes herself known-- that she is then faced with the task of accepting herself, or not. Once "out there," we must decide to keep it out there (and therefore to accept what has been revealed) or to place it back into the shadows. And for good or bad, sometimes the latter choice isn't an option: It's difficult to go back once the path of self-revelation has begun.

The sexiest people I know are those who exude a sort of god- or goddess-like aura about them. They seem grounded in themselves through self-knowledge and self-acceptance. They embody a sense of freedom in being who they are. We often call this confidence, and it is that, but also more. When we accept ourselves from a core place, confidence shifts into magnetism (for those observing the goddess) and into pure presence (for the goddess herself). In other words, the person who is comfortable revealing herself to the world experiences a sort of pure being-there, with herself and in the world. And we see her as charismatic, magnetic, and sexy.

My best guess is that such a woman has really great sex.