An Alter Ego?

I'm thinking about resigning from my remaining board and committee positions. I began this resignation process a while back, but still have a few lingering commitments with several organizations. As the oldest of five children and with a South Node in 10th house Virgo, I am very good at managing things. It's a skill that comes naturally to me. There are ways in which I enjoy it, and I love the satisfaction of a job well done. I recently organized a party in Boston for about 25 colleagues who were there for a conference. They lovingly ridiculed me for volunteering for this task when it was brought up at a board meeting. I, on the other hand, felt that in the time we were taking to decide who would do the organizing, the arrangements could have been made already. So I said I'd do it. No f---ing around, let's just get to it. That's my management style, and because of this I end up in charge of a lot of things. The party went very well, and pulling it together was, in fact, easy for me to do.

The problem is that I don't like myself very much when I'm managing. I fear being bossy and controlling. I fear that I come across as too dominant, or as a "know-it-all." And there's a compulsive nature to it, which I find so frustrating. I just can't hold back. If something needs doing and nobody else is doing it, I step into the lead and can't help myself from doing so. I have such an ambivalent relationship with myself-in-managment-mode, and I haven't yet figured out how to make peace with this. The fears represent baggage I'm carrying around from childhood, no doubt, and the compulsion seems to be in my DNA (and natal chart). Still, I don't want to even be close to being this way.

So I'm beginning to fantasize about being a different kind of woman entirely. The kind who tatoos her husband's name on her inner thigh, marking herself as his possession. She spends her day planning for his return home. After a quick trip to both the lingerie and grocery stores, she tends to his errands-- arranging doctor's appointments, picking up dry cleaning, sending flowers to his administrative assistant, and the like. Once home she watches a few soaps before getting ready for the 5 o'clock whistle, when I begin cooking one of his favorite meals. And before he walks through the door, I've slipped into my newly bought, pink, lacy panty set. (As a power-woman who manages things, neither lace nor pink work very well. Flesh-colored fabric, with the minimalist lines Calvin Klein is known for, is the more appropriate manager-style of lingerie.) Then I patiently wait for him to have his way with me... after he has eaten, of course. No direction from me; no bossiness; no control. I am not dominant. I'm submissive. I completely surrender to his wishes, all the while enjoying the shear pleasure that comes with not having to be the one in charge.