Going Back to the Start

The devil is in the details. We’ve all heard this saying before and most have some experience of the truth of it. Recently, I’ve been learning how true this is with regard to our life stories. The discipline of writing has been a large part of this realization for me. Of course, participating in therapy- as psychologist and as patient- creates an acute awareness of this truth as well.

Earlier this year, I embarked on the journey of telling—through writing—the story of the past several years of my own life, which have been marked by subtle yet profound shifts and transformations. In doing so, I have been forced to put down on page the details behind the story I’ve been telling myself. In other words, I’ve needed to deconstruct my narrative in order to write it as a story, for a reader. It is one thing to say “My life had been very unfulfilling…” and quite another to show a reader the truth of this. Sometimes, when we put our narratives—usually told at some level of generality—into the details of what we mean by unfulfilling (for example) and how—more exactly—this has showed up in our lives, then we’re left with holes and inconsistencies. “Wow, I’ve been telling myself I was unfulfilled, and yet I remember that conversation with my best friend when I told her how well my life was going.” Or, I remember that things were really miserable, but both my journal and photo albums seem to be full of happy memories. Psychologists and lawyers alike know that memory is not a purely objective process.

Our memories can be tainted or skewed in the other direction as well. “When I first got together with so-and-so, everything was great,” says the woman whose friends tell her how unhappy she seemed to them during the time-period in question. Our distant past can be even more susceptible to narrative interpretation disguised as objective memory. “My aunt was so good to me,” says the guy who has forgotten most of the physical punishment he suffered at her hands. Or a woman remembers that her childhood friends “were so mean to me,” though she is unable to come up with an example of this.

The point is not that our narrative interpretations are untrue. According to my all time favorite Coldplay song, our hearts speak louder than the objectivity of numbers and figures. Our hearts, the seat of our psychological lives, are primary. Chris Martin and I seem to agree:

“I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling [the] puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.” – The Scientist, Coldplay

And the narratives we tell ourselves are exceedingly significant for this reason.

The point is that they are, in fact, narratives; and narratives usually begin in generalizations colored by an overall psychological tone that is often not the whole story. Our narrative interpretations do speak loudly to how we have gotten to be where we are at any given time. Deconstructing them—that is, getting down the details and discovering any holes, inconsistencies, & overgeneralizations—helps us to move out of what can become self-fulfilling prophecies and into a more authentic life; meaning, a life we are choosing based on as much awareness as possible. Deconstructing our life-story narratives is essential to the ability to relate more authentically as well. Untangling the details allows more space within which we can meet others, and ourselves, in the present moment & on its terms rather than the terms of the past. If we remember that a sometimes abusive aunt was always good to us, then this leaves a knot within which there is no space for compassion for oneself, for what one endured. Likewise, if we think that life has always just been hard, then we diminish the space that those happier memories need to breathe their equally valid breaths. And if we tell ourselves that people are just out for themselves, then we can miss those exchanges that are sincerely unconditional in their offerings of generosity.

“Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions,
…Let’s go back to the start.”

The lifelong process of self-awareness can be greatly supported by honesty with oneself, revelation of secrets in appropriate time, & really good questions. Sometimes, it really is helpful to go back to the start- not to rewrite one’s narrative, but to tweak it, elaborate, and stretch oneself—all with the compassion that comes with knowing how hard this can be.