LETTING GO IN LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS

Half of all marriages end in divorce. This is now a well known statistic.
I often wonder: Of those marriages that survive, how many are generally happy ones? How many are healthy? And what defines a healthy relationship in the first place?

I believe that all long-term relationships—be they romantic, friendly, collegiate, or familial, as well as relationships within and between groups and organizations—can be vessels for profound transformation. I believe these same relationships can also be dangerous, which I realize is a strange description for all long-term relationships. The potential danger, it seems to me, is that long-term relationships tempt us to be stagnant. The mark of a healthy and happy relationship, then, is the extent to which the parties involved can face this danger head-on, thereby creating a vessel that is strong enough for transformation.

Easier said than done.

Letting go is what allows life to move. It is also what allows relationships to move. But they can stop moving, and when things become stagnant, the individuals within the relationship are in danger-- in danger of resentment, bitterness, boredom, depression, anxiety, apathy, and not fully living.

Like with many things in life, the positive benefits of something are one side of a coin, the opposite-side of which is the potential danger. When a relationship exists over time, we slip into patterns, which themselves may be marked by an easiness and comfort. In relationships with established patterns, we can take for granted that he’ll always do x, y, or z, and this allows us to do A, B, or C. If these arrangements work for both people (or both organizations/ groups), then we achieve a welcome sense of security, comfort, and peace. Human beings find security in knowing what to expect; we experience comfort when we can depend on someone else; we are often peaceful when things are calm and predictable. At best, these kinds of interactions are like a beautiful dance in which two or more people move fluidly with one another, creating something that feels familiar and spontaneous all at the same time. The experience of such a dance is one of the many benefits of long-term relationships. Before we know it, though,—and, if we’re not vigilant, just outside of our awareness—the other side of this coin shows itself. This same dance can become rote, empty, and lifeless. We wake up one day to the realization that patterns within our relationships, which we’ve helped to create, hold us back. And worse, that these arrangements are similar to the patterns that have always characterized our lives, from the time we were very young.

This is where the relationship’s potential as a healing vessel enters the picture. We can use the relationship, with the comfort and security that has been established thus far, to work through these patterns. To change. To transform. Instead of running away, we stick with the difficulties and develop an awareness about how they have been created and what we can do differently in the future to prevent the same difficulties from arising, again and again.

Easier said than done.

Therapy for the individuals involved and for the relationship itself can be very helpful. Transformation within relationship requires at least several elements, all of which can benefit from the support of ongoing therapy. Respect for oneself and for the other person is necessary. Assuming responsibility for one’s own part in the patterns is also a key element of potential transformation. It is never one person’s fault. Stepping away from blame and replacing it with compassion and understanding for how the relationship got to be where it is now is usually helpful. Perhaps most importantly, the capacity for courage and the willingness to take some risks are essential.

The greatest risk is that of awareness, and so the first question of risk goes something like this: Am I willing to open my eyes (and heart) wide enough to acknowledge that certain patterns are not working? If you get this far, the next questions might be: Am I willing to let go of some of the safety, security, and ease that my patterns offer in order to gain back the life and spontaneity that has been lost? And am I willing to risk losing the relationship as it exists now and maybe altogether, in order to possibly experience its rebirth? I am willing to risk letting go of something of who the other person is to me in order to allow him the freedom to become something more? Finally, am I willing to risk losing something of who I am in the relationship in order to possibly become something more? More simply: Am I willing to let go in order to create something new?

In truth, letting go is one of the most challenging experiences many human beings face, and the reason for this is fear. We tend to repeat the same patters and have the same experiences because we cannot trust in something new. Because we’re holding on to what we know. Because we cannot tolerate the not-knowing. Because we fear letting go, and changing, and the discoveries we might make in this process.

If you are feeling stuck in life, stagnant in your relationships, or fearful of an intimate relationship in the first place, it might be helpful to ask:

What might you need to let go of?
Where do you need more trust?
What are you most afraid of losing?
What goals are you willing to take risks for?
What you are holding on to, and why?
What is the price of holding-on and is it worth it?
Can you allow yourself to die to one experience in order to birth another?
What feels most scary about this?
Can you die to one identity so that you can experience others?
What is your biggest fear around losing that identity?

These are admittedly very difficult questions. They are, though, the questions we need to ask if we wish to risk changing for a fuller life. The important place to begin is asking these questions in the first place, and then thought-fully answering them. There are many reasons that a person would not want to take such risks, and sometimes not risking is the right answer for a particular person or situation. Likewise, not all relationships can be saved or renewed. What is essential, though, for anyone who wants to avoid the many dangers listed above, is to dare to ask the questions and to then answer honestly, rather than avoiding ever facing them in the first place.