The Seeker

What is life about? This question plagues me, distorts me, and leaves me searching in a way that- ironically- takes me out of the life I’m seeking to fulfill. I know this, and yet I cannot just be.

Am I seeking because I am dissatisfied with my life, or am I dissatisfied because I am seeking? Many would say it’s the latter. I can concede that they might be right, and yet I don’t know what to do with that part of me that truly longs for a life I cannot have. Grieve, perhaps, is the thing to do. But for how long can a person grieve, and what allows them to turn that around?

Today I vowed to bring my best self into every encounter I have. So I smiled and was gracious to the guy at Dunkin Donuts who knows my coffee order by heart, and I decided to join in an online discussion thread rather than holding myself back. This is the stuff of life, I suppose. I’m not sure that this will ever feel satisfying to me, but it’s time to let that go. What if life weren’t about being satisfied, and instead were about bringing one’s best self forward in every encounter?

I believe in some sort of power that is beyond our limited human experience. Most often, I don’t call this God; not because I take offense to the God-concept, but rather because it holds that image of the wizard in the Wizard of Oz- the man both in front of and behind the curtain who granted Dorothy her wish. This was the image I held of God when I was younger; an image that no longer fits. Still, I pray to something like God sometimes, particularly when I feel the need to apologize for not fulfilling my life. Lately, I have been wasting away (which is what it feels like) into bitterness. I KNOW BETTER, and yet I can’t seem to escape it.

So, for today, I vow to put my best self forward, to the very best of my ability. And I have tremendous empathy for all of those who feel stuck in life, particularly my sister, K.