La Résistance

I wrote the following for my website, under the guise of the professional I am there. So, it has a more teachy kind of tone. The truth, which anyone who can read this or listen to it being read will know, is that this is about my own now long-standing wading through resistance. I'm hoping that writing helps me to take my own advice!

Have you ever felt as though you were fighting against the current of life? Holding on to a fierce assertion that a particular part of life was wrong? Or to the notion that a specific person was just impossible? Have you ever, on some subconscious level, refused to be happy with the way things were because you believed they should be different? If so, you’ve experienced something of psychological resistance. It feels miserable if you’re in it, and it can be frustrating if someone you care about is in this place. Most individuals who go through a conscious process of awakening will run up against this. Likewise, individuals who happen to wake-up one day feeling resistant will need to initiate a conscious process of awakening in order to move beyond it.

As miserable as it can be, it is an expectable part of the process of growth.

Let’s start with a positive look at resistance. Two men who have without question changed our world in significant and positive ways are Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., each of whom practiced civil disobedience and non-violent resistance in order to bring about the change they wished to see in the world (a well-know saying attributed to Gandhi). They led movements which spoke to the unacceptability of certain conditions within their worlds, refusing to accept these practices, discriminations, and policies. Ultimately, their movements of resistance changed the world. They give resistance a good name, so to speak.

I love this way of thinking about resistance and have to admit that all the talk within spiritual communities and new-age psychology about acceptance of what is drives me crazy. I just don’t get it- at least not the way it is often spoken about. “Accept what is. Change your perception and everything changes.” I’ve heard it over and over. And over and over I think of Gandhi and King and Milk (and recently Anne Stanback, Executive Driector of Love Makes a Family here in CT, who has led the organization to its ultimate goal of legalizing marriage for all individuals). These are people who have used some form of resistance to fight discrimination and effect change. They show us that non-acceptance of what is brings about results. Their legacy supports the importance of holding on to one’s perspective when it is saying something valuable.

Herein lies the crux of the issue, I believe. Resistance does say something valuable and it asks for understanding, clarity, and an open heart. We need to ask, with the utmost honesty, what is it that I am truly resisting? We need to get really clear about this, and to unpack all the issues that it brings up. I’m not sure that we should ever ignore this question in favor of changing perception, though it may be that answering the question honestly leads to the needed change, whether this is a matter of perception, belief, or external circumstances. Answering this question honestly is challenging, though, and this is often why resistance is so unwavering—not in the sense of a Gandhi-like commitment to change, but in the sense of being stuck within one’s life in a way that can, overtime, erode all hope. Gandhi and King are examples of hope fueling resistance, not resistance destroying hope. There is a big difference here, and the difference lies in whether we can speak with our resistance honestly and openly. When we do this, we’re bolstered by authentic, grounded hope. When we fail to do this, our inner protest of what is robs us of the same authentic hope required to effect the change we wish to see.

Why would it be difficult to look at one’s resistance honestly? I think the answer is the accountability it brings and the fears and insecurities that it unleashes. When we become clear about what’s wrong, then we’re also faced with the responsibility for making it “right.” King didn’t hang out reiterating how unfair life was. He didn’t use his energy proving who the bad guys were. And he didn’t waste time refusing to participate in life. He got to work, he took responsibility for being the change he wished to see, and I’m sure he faced quite a bit of fear and insecurity in the process. And he forged on.

Not forging on is of course an option as well; and it’s a valid one. There are many reasons why a person may choose not to effect the change they want. Maybe they are tired of psychological work; maybe they need to strengthen their inner resources first; or maybe they realize that the change they thought they wanted isn’t worth the risks they would have to take. Again, all very valid reasons for not forging on. Not effecting change is itself a decision, though, and therefore also requires responsibility and accountability. If we are choosing this decision, then we can no longer point the finger at someone else, or at circumstances, or at life more generally. Resistance is the place we find ourselves when we’re not yet willing or ready to accept accountability for our lives and the choices made therein. As a temporary stop in the journey of life, such non-acceptance helps us open our eyes and hearts not only to what seems wrong, but to the change we wish to see. As a temporary stop, it helps us to gather hope that then becomes the fuel of change. If we stay too long, however, and fail to see our resistance clearly, then that same hope disintegrates due to lack of use.

If you find yourself in this place, know that it is part of the process. Then, make a date with your resistance. Sit across from it and ask why it’s there. Then open your heart, be willing to really listen, and decide to accept accountability for moving forward- whether this means change, or not.