To Be or Not to Be

I had my first experience with zero balancing, a bodywork method that combines eastern approaches to energy work with western ways of understanding the mechanics of the body. It brings together energy and structure. As someone born under what seems like an unfortunate conjunction of Saturn (structure) and Mars (energy) this seemed a very appropriate treatment for me. The practitioner is what drew me in, though, not the technique. I met her in another capacity and loved her energy. I just knew she was one of those ultra-intuitive goddesses of the body. I knew she would assist my healing journey in some way.

Her knowing hands and wise heart had the following insight for me: I haven’t yet decided if I really want to be embodied and living on this planet. She was right. The words resonated with that Piscean desire toward escapism, fantasy, isolation. I get by just fine, but do I really want to be here? If not, then I’m dying a slow death rather than living a long life. Anna rightly told me that I was good at living in the wispy realm and needed to learn (decide) to live in my skeleton, in my bones. And that my life will fill itself out once I decided to do this.

So this is my task now. I never thought I’d make it to 40. As of tomorrow, I have one year left before that fateful deadline. I will spend my 39th birthday deciding if I want to be here, knowing that yes means committing to life regardless of where that takes me….