Opening Up Perspective

A revision of Miami: Day Three--

I was away on vacation recently. As is always the case for me, it was only once I was boarded onto my plane and up in the air that I realized how important it was to take some form of vacation. Travel seems to bring me perspective. Once the plane literally began moving me away from my home and work, my mind cleared. I felt space opening up within me; and in that space, thoughts, fantasies, and memories came rolling in, one after another.

This is what I noticed during my warm January week: I didn’t have to be anything or anyone in Miami. The simple feat of being transported from a very familiar place to one less so had the effect of the dissolution of my ego—at least one of the outer layers of it. In other words, I was much less attached to a certain identity, to those beliefs that I am this, or ought to be that. And without that attachment, I responded more spontaneously, meaning that my responses arose in the moment, unconditioned by my past history, future expectations, and the attachment to identity that these can create.

This is freedom.

And what does this freedom have to do with relationships?

The nature of being human is to fall into limited perspectives (as much as it is also about always being much more than this). In relationships, this “falling” happens almost naturally, and easily. When we relate to the Other, we begin to form an image of them- a sense of who they are; just as we have an image of ourselves. My friend Jane is ---, fill-in the blank: Funny, outgoing, caring, abrasive, optimistic, and so on. What then happens is that when we are with Jane, we pay most attention to the information that confirms this image and less to anything contrary to it. Over time, and if we are not careful, we begin relating to an image rather than a living, breathing human being.

We do this with ourselves as well. Rather than relating to ourselves as human beings who are open to all possibilities in any moment, we close down these possibilities by believing I am only this. For example, we may have an image of ourselves that goes something like, “I am responsible to my family.” Then, when the opportunity arises to do something for oneself, and that opportunity seems in contrast with one’s family’s needs, that person may turn away from it- even though he really desires it.

What this looks like in relationships is: Mr. I am only this begins a relationship with Ms. She is this way, and the two living, breathing human beings almost disappear. Conflicts exist between the potential of each person and of the relationship in general with the images that each believes must be upheld. No wonder so many long-term relationships grow stale! Our way of relating to one another, and to ourselves, closes down possibilities. If you are feeling trapped, bored, apathetic, or unfree, this is a clue that you may be over-attached to an image or identity. It is also an opportunity to begin to live a juicier life.

How can we begin to discover that juicier life?

We need to embody the spirit of children, who are much less conditioned than adults into these fixed identities. We need to try to approach the world with a naïve vision—as though we are seeing things for the first time. Watch a child explore the world, and try to emulate this attitude.

On a more concrete level, there are things we can do to break-up our fixed patterns and images.

1. Try to observe this happening in your life. Notice the images or identities that you have crafted for your self and for others and notice those places where they may interfere with what is possible.

2. Take a vacation from usual routines. Drive to work using a different route. Eat something different for lunch. Have dinner out instead of in, or in instead of out.

3. Take a real vacation from work and home obligations. Even if you cannot go away, turn off the TV, phone, or computer. Stop you mail for two days. Indulge in a long bath or your favorite dinner, or sleeping-in.

4. In your long-term relationships—with friends, partners, or family members—challenge yourself to notice something different about the other person.

5. Hang out with a child, or an adult with a child-like spirit, for a whole day. Meet them where they are, and spend the day being playful, exploring, and experimenting—without expectation.

6. Fantasize about what your juicier life would look like. How do you feel within the fantasy? What is different about you? Others?

7. Finally, plan your vacation, play-date, or fantasy-time. Mark it on your calendar for at least one day this month. And honor the date!